Wow.

Wow.
For the month of August, give or take a day or two, I've been on a military exercise at the Joint Readiness Training Center (JRTC), in Ft. Polk Louisiana. The experience was humbling, to say the least. Abiding by the rules set forth, I imagined the maneuver would be a demonstration of being truly ostracized from society. The rules included the following:

• There was to be no cell phone usage or internet access
• One could receive ground mail during military mail call
• There was to be no sexual activity

During my brief time as a soldier, I have never received ground mail, so I did not expect any during this field exercise and even went as far as not giving my address to anyone. I was tempted to mail myself a package, containing all of the magazines that I have not read over the course of several months, neglected and piled on my coffee table. As of late, those unread magazines have taken lower priority to preparations for the military movement. In fact, I have devoted a greater portion of time to becoming proficient at being a medic in the United States Army. With newfound acceptance of work proficiency, it is easy to look at a month solely devoted to training without distraction from the outside world. Nonetheless, I was drawn from my focus on work to do some introspection on my existence, which I seem to do more and more while on my quest to find a deeper meaning of life.

We (me and the rest of the soldiers that I work with) all flew to hot and steamy Fort Polk, Louisiana with a bunch of new age, newly issued equipment and more ambition than skills, ready to participate in a combat simulation. We were very anxious to test out the new gear that we had received. The average weight of the medic’s gear is approximately 85 pounds. It is difficult to be mobile while bearing such a load, but we maintain. That's why we train. In August, Fort Polk is about 95 degrees with 100 percent humidity. That makes the heat index hover around 107 degrees. Ft. Polk was previously used as a Vietnam combat simulation training post due to the unrelenting climate and thick underbrush. For some reason, I don't think the Army realizes that the Vietnam era soldier carried a much lighter load. The soldiers on this combat exercise were constantly facing dehydration and I administered IVs by the dozen. No one under my care was severely affected by the heat and the related heat illness. I am either too skilled or too lucky.

The training at JRTC was MILES oriented. That's a laser based war simulation in which blank rounds and other non-lethal explosions are used to simulate the type of environment found in war. I carried an M16 and a medical aid bag, full of bandages, ready to heal the sick and wounded. The training is set up to simulate what a soldier would encounter while in Iraq. The several square miles of training area are very realistic, complete with donkey carts, IEDs and Arabic speaking ‘Iraqi’ citizens, enemy and friendly alike. War flashbacks abound. I was on quadruple duty. I trained soldiers. I was trained. I ran training simulations. I treated real life injuries, which were sometimes nearly fatal. I responded to real life situations such as vehicle rollovers. When these situations occur, you can only respond by saving lives. I am on top of my game. In fact, most soldiers that I am associated with performed well. Some of my fellow soldiers even received awards for their outstanding performance. I was jealous. I don’t work for awards. I am happy for my peers and their related successes. I will be rewarded in due time. Karma is a bitch.

On a different, but similar note, I haven't had contact with anyone that I don't work with for 30 days. I really miss my daughter. It seems as if I have no desire to deal with her mother and she has no desire to deal with me. Sadly, the woman hasn't even given me her telephone number and I only have a P.O. Box to send mail to. I haven't sent a letter to the kid either. Writing a 9-year-old girl a letter expressing how you miss her is difficult, especially if you don't want to display the current separation situation in an unflattering light. I am unimpressed with the child’s mother’s living standards nonetheless. I do not want to give the girl an opinion of her other parent. I want her to learn the ways of her mother on her own, unbiased. I guess, in the end, I am jealous of the mother because I'd rather have the kid full time. Child rearing should not be a competition between two parents. Now, it's my time to sit the bench and let the other parent play her position.

Of all the things I miss, I miss my computer the most. I wanted to work on my web log, update my website, visit some message boards, count my money, etc. I also miss chatting with MI/MT. When I come to the realization of how I miss dong these things, I come to the stark realization, the computer allows me to live my life detached, as if in the third person. I could have a conversation without speaking. I also could make an agreement without shaking hands. I have a fear of intimacy based on both failures and successes with women in the past. I would love to be mentally, physically, and social fulfilling

I have come across several adjectives that describe me as of late. The one that comes across most is self-absorbed. (I think that I am that way by my own design...)