compromise
i have never really been successful with women
and it is pretty obvious why.
i don't really give a fuck.
over the course of time,
i have devised some rules to getting to know women.
okay men,
here it is.
these are the rules.
if you want to be successful with women,
you must:
- compromise.
- have a big dick.
- be willing to use big dick immediately when needed.
- know when the big dick is needed.
- break backs with said dick.
- use little dick like it was big anyway.
- have life experience and accumulation of possessions.
- not be old.
- have nothing better to do.
- be willing to do all of the work in bed.
- be spontaneous, but double check first.
- kiss.
- give compliments no matter what.
- hold the purse in public.
- take control.
- remember you are not the boss.
- be neat and orderly.
- have no personal habits.
- tolerate others personal habits.
- pay for dinner.
- pay period (don't be a cheap bastard).
- tell the truth or complimentary lies. ( lies are only discovered false truths anyway.)
- not ask for shit.
- abandon your inner thoughts.
- trust her lying ass.
- tell the truth with your lying ass.
- love your momma but don't be a mamma's boy.
- never look at another woman if you have one.
- put the toilet seat down.
- drive.
- remember what you said. it will be used against you.
- answer the phone.
- have no hobbies.
- dance better than you fuck.
- fuck better than you dance.
- love drama.
- be strong.
- be gentle. ( i would say don't be violent, but that's another list.)
- be a father figure.
- be friends with all of her friends.
- have no friends of your own.
- stay out of the club, especially the strip club.
- eat the pussy.
- be available at all times.
- stop being a bitch.
- get the introductory pronoun right.
- get the name right, period.
- compromise
- have a big dick.
that's why i have no woman.
i refuse to compromise on a lot of that shit.
i am cool with being solo.
c'est la vie, and i am loving it.
i wonder what my view would be
if i was a seahorse.
posted by blackcaesar at 10:58
17 Comments:
12 16 05
Ummmm this was an interesting bit of sarcasm and creativity! Thx for visiting my blog and wishing me well; I really appreciate it. YOu have a unique blog here and I will just let some stuff sink in before I comment again:) Have a good day:)
@mahndisa:
i am glad you recognized the sarcasm before i was lambasted. that doesn't mean that i don't really believe what i say. thanks for the compliment though. you have the type of blog that gets me thinking... if i only had the words to respond without making a total idiot of myself. i guess i will settle for reading and feeding my opinionated mind.
you know, of course, how easy it would be to rewrite that list from a female perspective. :-)
Tougher for a seahorse
@alli:
great info and story.very relevant to the post as well.
@zoozan: what a name...i would love to see your list. it seems as if females don't really have to do anything except be available.
'it seems as if females don't really have to anything except be available' !!!!! that's fighting talk.
I've posted my list
I haven't posted it, I decided it was too much like putting men and women into boxes. I've done it but I don't feel like posting it. I'll e mail it if you want it, but I can't find an e mail contact on your blog
post it! i dont want to give an air of censorship around here. if it is relative to the original post and not specifically inflammatory.... well, post it! i welcome your viewpoint. in fact, i asked for it!
I'll leave it here rather than on my blog
compromise / compromise
have a big dick / have big breasts
be willing to use big dick immediately when needed / be willing to flash big breasts immediately when needed
know when the big dick is needed. / know when big breasts are needed
break backs with said dick. / cover dick with big breasts
use little dick like it was big anyway. / use little breasts like they were big anyway
have life experience and accumulation of possessions. / have life experience but not too much love experience
not be old. / not be old (tell me about it)
have nothing better to do. / have nothing better to do
be willing to do all of the work in bed. / be willing to do all the work in bed
be spontaneous, but double check first. / be spontaneous
kiss. / kiss
give compliments no matter what. / stroke ego no matter what.
hold the purse in public. / hold purse in private
be in control / be submissive
remember you are not the boss. / remember you are not the boss
be neat and orderly. / be neat and orderly
have no personal habits. / have no personal habits
tolerate others personal habits. / tolerate your worst friends personal habits
pay for dinner. / cook dinner
pay period / have periods (at least don’t be menopausal)
tell the truth or complimentary lies. / tell the truth or complimentary lies
not ask for shit. / not ask for shit
abandon your inner thoughts / abandon your inner thoughts
trust her lying ass. / trust his lying ass
tell the truth with your lying ass. / tell the truth with your lying ass
love your momma but don't be a mamma's boy. / put up with your mother
never look at another woman if you have one. / never look at another man if you have one.
put the toilet seat down. / Wipe the pee off the seat.
drive. / Drive when you want to drink
remember what you said. it will be used against you. / remember what you said, ‘cos you won’t
answer the phone. / never use the phone.
have no hobbies. / have lots of hobbies so you won’t feel guilty when you go down the pub
dance better than you fuck. / dance better than you fuck
fuck better than you dance. / fuck better than you dance.
love drama. / love programmes about cars.
be strong. / be sweet.
be gentle. / be gentle.
be a father figure. / be a mother figure.
be friends with all of her friends. / Put up with your friends.
have no friends of your own. have less friends of your own (at least could they not ring every night).
stay out of the club, especially the strip club. / stay out of the club, especially the pudding club.
eat the dick. / eat the pussy.
Be available at all times / be available at all times.
stop being a bitch. / stop being a bitch
get the introductory pronoun right. / get the introductory pronoun right.
get the name right, period. / get the name right, period.
compromise / compromise
have a big dick. / have big breasts
if you say so zoozan... you could use the converse answer of "be available" across the board with the same effect... if thats how you feel, what more can i say?
still don't like stereotyping people like this though
i concede and abandon.
i remain unavailable.
on second thought, zoozan, do you agree with me or not? for the life of me, i cannot agree with your parallels. for example, i've known many women who couldn't cook worth a dime at a doolar store. that didn't stop them from merely being available as the main means to attract a suitor. it seems as if swaying your hips and batting your eyelashes etctera is what a woman needs to do to attract a suitor....
BC,
This is sad, sad, sad.
What a woman needs to do to attract a booty call is to sway her hips and bat her eyelashes. A relationship is a horse of another color.
1) all relationships require compromise. Your relationship with your boss, your friends, your parents. Compromise is part of the deal. Life is a group project.
2) Have a dick large enough for me to find without a magnifying glass, and large enough for me not to ask, "is it in yet?" The rest is fluff.
3) Sex should be spontaneous and consensual. Sex should never be another chore arond the house.
4) Having life experience is good. It means you are both not a child, and that learned some stuff on your way out of childhood.
Posessions are irrelevant. She's probably not going to like yours anyway. (reference: State farm commercial where all his stuff but his insurance gets thrown out. 2nd reference, the guy who gets the kung-fu painting elaborately framed and hangs it in the bedroom only to get that look.)
5) A pox on not being too old. Youth is over-rated. Experience and wisdom yield better results and have a longer shelf life.
6) No one should be willing to do all the work in bed. There are people who specialize in that. They're called prostitutes.
7) Spontaneity should always be tempered with thoughtfulness and a good sense of timing.
8) Kissing, when done right, is one the joys of life. If your not enjoying it, one of you is not doing it right.
9) One should never miss an opportunity to say something kind to anyone, regardless of the circumstances.
10) No man will ever hold my purse. It is my purse. I don't like my man holding it. I don't like my man having a purse, holding a purse, or being seen with a purse.
Exception: if I'm collapsed on the floor, you may search my purse for my medication. Only exception.
11) Control is an illusion. Don't you read the Tao?
12) No one is the boss. There is no boss. There are partners.
13) In the best of all possible worlds, everyone would clean up their own messes, especially corporations and factories and the government.
14) Everyone has personal habits. No one should make them personal executive priviledges.
15) Paying for dinner is a matter of economics. If she's dirt poor and your rich, you should pay for dinner. If you're on relatively equal financial footing, paying for dinner, the movies, and everything else should be a shared obligation.
16) See saying nice things above. Compliments should be genuine, and you should remember your mother's advice, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
17) Love your momma, but your woman's needs trump your momma's needs when both are of relatively equal urgency. Also, your momma is especially barred from being the boss.
18) Trust is the basis of any lasting relationship. Tell the truth. Both of you. Period.
19) Looking at other people is natural and should be a shared sport.
20) Oh, forget the frickin' toilet seat already. Everyone. Get over it.
21) Driving is nice, but my car's spedometer is calibrated to 160 mph, and I drive my car unless a man is really something special.
22) Yes. What you say can and will be used against you. I wish this weren't true. It is.
23) Answering the phone is an issue? Of are we talking about answering the phone at her house? No one answers the phone at my house but me or my machine.
24) Hobbies are good for the soul. Who stole your hobbies?
25) I'm white. I'll leave the whole dancing thing alone.
26) Drama like in movies, or Drama like in the livingroom? Yay for the former, boo for the latter.
27) Strong is good, but it sucks being strong. I know. I'm strong. I know what it took to get me this way.
28) Gentleness is a lost art. Cultivate it.
29) I'm not sure I'd know what to do with a father figure, unless that means if I have a really shitty day, I get to climb in your lap and let you hold me until I feel better. Is that it?
30) Have friends. Have her friends. Have your friends. Have new friends and old friends. Have friends.
31) Go to the club. If there are strippers involved, it's really not necessary to discuss that. If there are lap dances involved, then it's time to seriously discuss this.
32) Eat or don't eat. But she gets the same choice.
33) No one is available all the time except God. Explain that if necessary.
34) Everyone's a bitch sometimes. Say you're sorry if you need to.
35) Yes. Get the pronoun right. The pronoun, btw, is never "bitch".
36) Yes. Get the name right.
37) Yes. Compromise.
38) Enough about the dick already.
Finally, no one who isn't okay alone should be in a serious relationship. Being okay alone is a necessary prerequisite to being not alone.
diane s, your interpretation is loads better.
Caesar, why your list and mine don't work is that, thank the lord, human beings are complicated, messy, wonderful creatures who won't always fit into the boxes we want to put them in
@diane... very good response.... excellent reasoning :)
@zoozan: i still got love for ya....
thanks for at least caring enough to call me foolish, even if i disagree.
What a great site
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