what would tyler durden do (WWTDD)?

life is stranger than fiction.
life is fiction.
who died and made you the one to determine...
well,
how about a long blog for the short attention spanned.
LoL.

looking over the last group of my postings,
i recognize an ongoing theme.
alcohol is an issue in my environment
and
I like the movie, "fight club".
tonight,
they meet.
You know, fight club was conceived in the parking lot of the bar.
she was born in the same basement.
(words in italics are quotes from the movie... except these words here)

the only difference is,
i am not blackcaesar...
i am jack.
in fact,
I am jack's white knuckles.

scene: sitting at a seedy bar....
several guys sitting on stools
the jukebox plays an unknown stevie ray vaughn song.
one guy scrawls desperately onto a notebook...

(Tyler Durden leans over guy's shoulder, looking onto his notebook, squinting, then laughs)
jack: what’s so fucking funny?
TD: Where would Jesus be if no one had written the gospels?
jack: do you always quote movies?
TD: only fight club. only here...
narrator: what?
TD: The first rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club.
The second rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club.
You don't say anything because fight club exists only in the hours between when fight club starts and when fight club ends.
... that's the third rule of fight club....
jack: i know the fucking rules! STFU! do you know netspeak? then we're even....
(holding up money, signaling the bartender) Thank you, sir, may I have another!
Thank you sir, may I have another... !
the night goes on like that for what seems forever. i drink tequila until my insides rebel. i drink shot after shot after shot. single servings. everything in my life is single serving. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends. i don't need no one as long as i have a drink. i need another single serving of tequila. i think i'm dying.
jack: [reading] I am Jack's colon.
Tyler Durden: I get cancer, I kill Jack.
i look at my tequila
jack: (talking to the tequila)you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met...


scene: jack's work desk, the next day. jack sits.

(jack's voice over)
today, i went to work.
my boss comes in.
he says, your subordinate went to jail for illegal alcohol possession.
he must be punished.
jack: what did he do?
boss: check the report (hands me report)
i'm thinking...
it reads, ... got caught possessing alcohol while being underage. hmmm. is this serious? no! not really... fuck it in fact. let him drink until his pores ooze ethanol for all i care. fucking soldiers drink. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. it broke the rules. what the fuck!?!? i hate it when the rules get broken. i was angry. in wanted to strangle that guy. I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke. i am angry at my boss as well. bitch. i give him back the paper.

boss: Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
jack: [pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that... is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
jack: [Talking slowly] And this ... psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
jack: [Voice-over] Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.
[Snatches the piece of paper from boss' hands]
jack: [Voice-over] And I used to be such a nice guy.
I am Jack's broken heart.
jack: Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss. Besides, I'm enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style-behavior. Spider chrysanthemums. The Diamon Sutra and the Blue Cliff Record. Hari Rama, you know, Krishna, Krishna. You know, Enlightened.

anyhow... i don't know what to make of it
so i do what i do when i need to think....
I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more. thats what i like about my job. running is in the job desription. that is all the therapy a man needs. you get on the track. you get on the road. you run til you think you are going to die, then take one more step. you lose yourself. It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. that is the path to truth.

the answer has yet to come. i ponder saving this young man from hitting rock bottom and destroying his life for the pursuit of alcohol. it was a mistake. once in a lifetime.i think a minute of perfection is worth the effort. A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection.
who am i to say how a guy should improve? i am not perfect. Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction.." [might be the answer] besides i drink too.

i pull out my cell phone.
everyone has a fucking cell phone.
they are the microchips of society
tracking your every movement
at every moment
we look into the camera phone
and smile for big brother
while some virgin number cruncher
compiles a six degrees of separation
to every woman
that you ever gave a dirty sanchez...
i dial Tyler’s phone number.

If you asked me now,
I couldn't tell you
why I called him.

It
RINGS...
and RINGS
and RINGS.
Jack sighs and hangs up the
phone.
A moment, then the phone RINGS.
JACK: Hello?
TYLER'S VOICE: Who's this?
JACK: Tyler?
TYLER'S VOICE: Who's this?
JACK: Uh... I'm sorry.
I'm... you know, the clever guy.
TYLER'S VOICE
Oh, yeah.
JACK
I just called a second ago. There
was no answer. I'm at a payphone.
TYLER'S VOICE
I star-sixty-nined you. I never pick
up my phone. What's up?
JACK
Well... let me see... here's the
thing...

I tell him about the guy at work and the boss and all of that…
everything that has happened to me all day. i needed someone to talk to.
see, when i talk to someone i go into conversation drama mode.
i just want to hear myself speak and need the validity of a listener. in this mode,
i am overdramatic as if the world revolves around me. i am the nucleus. nothing revolves without me pulling it together. for life to go on for anyone, i must exist.
When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just...
TD: - instead of just waiting for their turn to speak? i do it and i hate when people do it to me.
tyler asks: what would you wish you'd done before you died?
You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
jack: i would have wanted to create the worlds best hip hop album. and album that is a complete representation of myself that is easy to undersatnd and wide recieved and enjoyable. i want the context of my songs to stand the test of time... if i died right now. i would have felt that i done pretty much all that i wanted to do almost. i never chased women the way that i feel i should have. i feel as if i would have missed an opportunity to be a truly sexual being, and i longed for a non shallow relationship with a woman who i was attracted to in a shallow fashion.
Tyler: Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
jack: i thought you were going to say something about being a self sacrifice.... about living your own life... about seizing the motherfucking day! i remember what you did to raymond Kessel! I want my fucking breakast to taste like angelic vaginal fluid! this is such a fucking rip off! why can't that be me?!?! i wanna be raymond kessel! i always am robert paulsen!
TD:I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behid his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.
jack: fuck you very much, tyler. when i see you again, imma fuck you up.

i've come to the conclusion:
alcohol is-
the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.

and no i have not seen the movie more than 5 times...