to be so free...

Sometimes I feel vulnerable to life. Sometimes I let go and let life take me in its own direction. I sometimes feel as if I have waded out to the chest high waters of the ocean, closed my eyes, and let the current do with my soul what it desires…

My nightmares are more vivid than ever. My dreams are probably in Technicolor now (if I could only open my eyes to see them). Last night, I cried in my sleep. Last night, I laughed in my sleep. Both were necessary. I slept well.

My admission for the day: I have cried.

Every time I watch the movie, The Color Purple, I undoubtedly release the ocean of tears during the part of the film where “Mister”(the part played by Danny Glover) throws rocks at “Nettie” (the sister of Whoopi Goldberg’s character “Celie”). I was so ashamed when I first saw this movie as a teen, in the movie theater with my parents nonetheless. To be separated from someone that you feel so close to, someone that you have come to grow with, can be traumatic. I have separation anxiety that I attribute to watching this movie (I feel). I hated “Mister” for that. I always wonder if my parents or my sisters saw me crying. Then again, I always wondered if they recognized that when watching the sex scenes in the movie, Purple Rain , I always left the room, despite knowing exactly what happened and for how long… I was so uncomfortable… That’s a whole ‘nother blog though…

Every time I watch the movie, Independence Day, I always cry like a heartbroken adolescent girl (okay I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the point). There is one scene where the drunken pilot, Russell Casse, played by Randy Quaid, says goodbye to his children while volunteering to sacrifice himself for the greater good of mankind. He was far from perfect, yet his children loved him for who he was. I love that character and I can relate to his struggle with life relating to family, alcohol, and being a working cog in society. His last words are “Up yours” or something like that. I always wind up laughing through the tears. I am an emotional bastard. Sue me. I can pay you a salary from the dried up salt of my tears.

I will never watch the movie, Braveheart. In the score to the film, there is a portion where “Amazing Grace” is being played on the bagpipes. I can remember the first time I heard the song… It was the around the first week of November 2003. It was the first day of Ramadan and I was preparing to go up to 12 hours without smoking or eating in public. I was attending my first wartime memorial service for a fallen soldier. I was ambivalent. Though I personally saw the specific carnage and destruction that lead to the fallen soldier first hand, I did not know this soldier personally, so I was emotionally detached. At this memorial service, as well as many more that I would attend for fallen soldiers, the bagpipe version of the hymn was played in conjunction with the 21-gun salute. A soldier stands fully stiffened with arms fixated at his side at the “position of attention” during this moment. The rifle volleys send chills down my spine. It is impossible to stop the tears once they start. One cannot wipe his face from the “position of attention”. The atmosphere is chilling, even in the midday heat of the desert. A soldier passes out to my left. He lies there as everyone is stuck in the moment. I am frozen in time. Yeah I cry. So. Fucking. What. You can only wish to be so free.

I leave you with a haiku from the archives:

http://2damnhot.blogspot.com/2005/12/6_12.html