whatever...

CPR BlendTape hosted by DJ Lo Down Loretta Brown aka Erykah Badu (Retail)

2011-07-26T14:35:00.000-06:00

by Gods'Illa
CPR BlendTape hosted by DJ Lo Down Loretta Brown aka Erykah Badu (Retail) by Gods'Illa

THIS IS HOT. CHECK IT OUT!

Heaven On Earth

2011-07-20T12:51:00.002-06:00

Heaven must be like this.

There has to be a place that is better than here.

If one obtains riches he diminishes his ability to enter the Kingdom of God.

In my fathers house there are many mansions and the streets are paved with more gold than Eldorado.

Yet, riches will be obsolete so you will never even notice how rich you are.

There won't be any concerts or paparazzi because we will all be equal.

There will be no slaves or slave owners or ownership period.

Heaven sounds a lot like Communism.

What would Karl Marx do?

That is why I find Heaven on earth.

Nothing is guaranteed, especially heaven.

In fact, hell is sure to have a money back guarantee.

Hell never pays.

That's why no one is in a rush to leave their heaven on earth.

New Beginings

2011-07-19T11:59:00.002-06:00

Here I am, once again revitalizing my blog. With any luck, I will have some followers but i doubt it. The internet scene has changed drastically since i blogged regularly in the past. I am using this blog as a way to grt past the microblogging that I participate in on Facebook and Twitter. I hope you are amused and entertained as I drop some glistening droplets of life onto the page.

Little Phatty®

2010-05-29T10:10:00.000-06:00

Little Phatty®

Humility is the Ultimate Arrogance

2010-01-24T20:16:00.000-06:00

Dear Blog,
it has been a long time since I wrote in you last. I've said this before but this time I has a good reason. I just didn't feel like it. The main reason I felt as such was because people that I knew actually read it. Not only did they consume the delicacies of my mind, they regurgitated the imagery back to me in the form of inquisitive conversation. It's sorta like asking someone if that really is their ass on their Myspace profile (sidebar: Rupert Murdoch owns Myspace, LOL). My thoughts of this matter was that I was inviting those who came to the feast. Sometimes people got offended when I referred to their cooking as divine in their image but vile in my writings even if I never spoke of such an opinion in conversation. Anyway, enough about me. What's up with you. People have been coming by check you out; asking about me and stuff. What you tell em? I hoped you told them that I was on fantastic journey. I hope you tell them that the truth will be revealed even if it is hidden in undertones.

I am not really awesome in real life. That's the truth. I am middle aged, short, stocky and bald. Anyone can tell you that. The truth is I am awesome; I just never say it. The reason that I never say it is because I would rather those around me to come to that conclusion themselves. It's way better than the letdown of unfullfilled expectations of the overtly arrogant. I try to do everything to the fullest but I never let them see me sweat. Those who see me sweat stand too close. If you have seen me sweat, I may begin to push you away. Its not you. I just don't want you to think I am awesome anymore.

blackcaesar

Life Is A Musical

2010-01-24T18:33:00.000-06:00

I'm gone
As I view life through the spectrum of a
Color blind
Combat veteran
No better than you
When you do
What you do
When you
Exist.
Never been three fifths
But im the son of the sun
With gifts
Shining down to uplift.

Survival Books & Free Downloads

2009-12-21T16:18:00.000-06:00

Survival Books & Free Downloads

These are what I consider to be, essential or very helpful
books and information (all free downloads) for the times we're
living in and coming into rapidly.

--- GARDENING, WILD FORAGING AND SELF SUFFICIENCY

The City People's Book Of Raising Food
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8103864/The-City-Peoples-Book-Of-Raising-Food

Encyclopedia of country living Carla Emery
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6449578/Encyclopedia-of-country-living-Carla-Emery

The complete book of self sufficiency by John Seymour
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6449749/The-complete-book-of-self-sufficiency-by-John-Seymour

Vegetable Gardening Encyclopedia With Special Herb Section
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6412280/Vegetable-Gardening-Encyclopedia-With-Special-Herb-Section

Gardening Without Irrigation - Dry Farming
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8300483/Gardening-Without-Irrigation-Dry-Farming

Intensive Gardening For Profit And Self Sufficiency
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8301731/Intensive-Gardening-For-Profit-And-Self-Sufficiency

Joy of Gardening
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2296631/Joy-of-Gardening

Indoor Gardening Secrets
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6253964/Indoor-Gardening-Secrets

Wild Edibles - Nutrition & Medicine
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8100611/Wild-Edibles-Nutrition-Medicine

Herbal Manual - Herbal Medicine 1936
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8069412/Herbal-Manual-Herbal-Medicine

Culpeper's The Complete Herbal
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8067154/Culpepers-The-Complete-Herbal-Herbal-Medicine

Edible And Medicinal Plants
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8150505/Edible-And-Medicinal-Plants-Herbal-Medicine

Survival - How To Make Herbal Preparations
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6535757/survival-how-to-make-herbal-preparations

Edible Rooftop Gardening
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7797894/Edible-Rooftop-Gardening

Handbook of Herbs and Spices, Vol. 1 - K. Peter
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7524448/Handbook-of-Herbs-and-Spices-Vol-1-K-Peter-Ed-..
CRC-2001

Handbook of Herbs and Spices, Vol. 2 - K. Peter
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7524451/Handbook-of-Herbs-and-Spices-Vol-2-K-Peter-Ed-CRC-2004

Culinary Herbs: Their Cultivation Harvesting Curing and Uses by Kains, M. G.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2390089/Culinary-Herbs-Their-Cultivation-Harvesting-Curing-and-Uses-by-Kains-M-G

How-To Hydroponics - A HowTo Guide to Soilfree Gardening
http://www.scribd.com/doc/3858026/HowTo-Hydroponics-A-HowTo-Guide-to-Soilfree-Gardening

Bill Mollison - Permaculture Design Course
http://www.scribd.com/doc/5030/bill-mollison-permaculture-design-course

Saving Your Own Vegetable Seeds
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8226547/PROD6Saving-Your-Own-Vegetable-Seeds

Organic Gardener's Composting by Steve Solomon
http://www.scribd.com/doc/884545/Organic-Gardeners-Composting-by-Steve-Solomon

Growing & Curing Tobacco
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8227028/Growing-Curing-Tobacco

Organic Tobacco Production
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8226885/Organic-Tobacco-Production

Grow Organic Potatoes
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2548574/growing-potatoes

Home Composting Bins
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8330632/Home-Composting-Bins

Organic Insecticides For The Garden; Home & Garden
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8226741/Organic-Insecticides-Garden

Barrel-ponics
http://www. fastonline. org/images/manuals/Aquaculture/Aquaponic_Information/barrelponics_manual. pdf

An Integrated Fish Culture Hydroponic Vegetable Production
System
http://www.
fastonline.
org/images/manuals/Aquaculture/Aquaponic_Information/An_integrated_fish_culture_and_vegetable_hydroponics_production_system.
pdf

The One Straw Revolution _excellent (no tilling or plowing)
permaculture
http://ebooks. du. ac. in/edu-resources/Resources/books/onestraw. pdf

--- FOOD PRESERVATION _COOKING, CANNING, CURING, ETC.

Preserving Food: Drying Fruits And Vegetables - Nutrition
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8086473/Preserving-Food-Drying-Fruits-And-Vegetables-Nutrition

Complete Guide To Home Canning
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8078550/Complete-Guide-To-Home-Canning-Nutrition

Canning Meat, Wild Game, Poultry, & Fish Safely
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8090308/Canning-Meat-Wild-Game-Poultry-Fish-Safely-Nutrition

Preparing And Canning Fermented Food And Pickled Vegetables
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8084385/Preparing-And-Canning-Fermented-Food-And-Pickled-Vegetables-Nutrition

Every Step in Canning
http://www.scribd.com/doc/934987/Every-Step-in-Canning

Small-Scale Food Drying Technologies
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8429418/SmallScale-Food-Drying-Technologies

Field Care Of Harvested Big Game
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8757590/Field-Care-Of-Harvested-Big-Game

How To Build A Wood-Fired Oven & Start A Home Bakery
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8451084/Building-A-Bread-Oven

Solar Cookers - Natural Living
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8102008/Solar-Cookers-Natural-Living

Earth-Friendly Cooking Technologies
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8347607/EarthFriendly-Cooking-Technologies

Solar Distillation & Water Purification
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8334119/Solar-Distillation-Water-Purification

Rain Water Harvesting
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7145044/Rain-Water-Harvesting

How To Make An Upesi Stove
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8333387/How-To-Make-An-Upesi-Stove

Wood Conserving Cook Stoves - A Design Guide
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9171909/Wood-Conserving-Cook-Stoves-A-Design-Guide

How To Make Liquor With Fruit And Berries
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8307739/How-To-Make-Liquor-With-Fruit-And-Berries

Cheese Making Made Easy
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8944050/Cheese-Making-Made-Easy

Cheese Making
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8307365/Cheese-Making

Canning Meat, Wild Game, Poultry, & Fish Safely
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8090308/Canning-Meat-Wild-Game-Poultry-Fish-Safely-Nutrition

--- HEATING, ENERGY AND FUEL

Solar Water Heaters
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9173638/Solar-Water-Heaters-In-Nepal

Water as Fuel
http://www.scribd.com/doc/4123662/Water-as-Fuel

Run Car on Water - stanley meyer resonant electrolysis cell system collection
http://www.scribd.com/doc/4110288/Run-Car-on-Water-stanley-meyer-resonant-electrolysis-cell-system-collection

Homemade Batteries [2003, 14 Pages]
http://www.scribd.com/doc/3921621/Homemade-Batteries-2003-14-Pages

Wind Energy Systems
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9450845/Wind-Energy-Systems

Wood Burning Handbook
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8096896/Wood-Burning-Handbook-Natural-Living

Oil Drum Stove For Cooking And Water Heating
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9450853/Oil-Drum-Stove-For-Cooking-And-Water-Heating

Water Power For The Farm
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9165207/Water-Power-For-The-Farm

Pumping Water For Irrigation Using Solar Energy
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8617302/Pumping-Water-For-Irrigation-Using-Solar-Energy

Generator Power For The Homestead
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9153427/Generator-Power-For-The-Homestead

How To Make Biodiesel Fuel
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9153517/How-To-Make-Biodiesel-Fuel

Build Your Own Biogas Generator
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8679538/Build-Your-Own-Biogas-Generator

Using A Biogas Digester
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8337831/Using-A-Biogas-Digester

--- LIVESTOCK

Small-Scale Chicken Production
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8422107/SmallScale-Chicken-Production

The Homesteader's Handbook To Raising Small Livestock
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8680857/The-Homesteaders-Handbook-To-Raising-Small-Livestock

A Poultry Mini-Manual
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8258787/A-Poultry-MiniManual

Small-Scale Freshwater Fish Farming
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8429562/SmallScale-Freshwater-Fish-Farming

Poultry a Practical Guide _Very old, Very excellent comprehensive guide
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8942814/Poultry-a-Practical-Guide

--- MEDICINE

Holistic & Alternative Medicine 101
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6311011/Holistic-Alternative-Medicine-101

Herbal/Medical Contraindications_ Using herbal remedies and pharma products:
interactions
http://www. swsbm. com/ManualsMM/HerbMedContra1. pdf

Herbal Formulas for Clinic and Home
http://www. swsbm. com/ManualsMM/Formulary2. pdf

First Aid Full Manual FM21-11
http://www.scribd.com/doc/4089404/First-Aid-Full-Manual-FM2111

Where There is No Dentist - Murray Dickson
http://www.scribd.com/doc/408523/Where-There-is-No-Dentist-Murray-Dickson

Where There Is No Doctor - A Village Health Care Handbook - David Werner
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6408748/Where-There-Is-No-Doctor-A-Village-Health-Care-Handbook-David-Werner-Rev1992

Wilderness Medicine Course
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8149708/Wilderness-Medicine-Course

Healing Pets With Alternative Medicine
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8515671/Healing-Pets-With-Alternative-Medicine

Physicians Desk Reference: Herbal Medicines
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7354348/Herbal-PDRsmall

How To Treat and Heal Your Pet at Home?
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2374175/How-To-Treat-and-Heal-Your-Pet-at-Home

One Mineral Can Help _Potassium Iodide
http://www. nogw. com/download/_07_sski. pdf

Ditch Medicine - Advanced Field Procedures For Emergencies (1993)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2205119/Ditch-Medicine-Advanced-Field-Procedures-For-Emergencies-1993

--- SURVIVAL MANUALS AND INFO

Compact Survival Kits
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8698084/Compact-Survival-Kits

SAS Survival Guide
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6723318/SAS-Survival-Guide

Wilderness Survival (FM 21-76)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8085776/Wilderness-Survival-FM-2176-

Nuclear War Survival Skills
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2932392/Nuclear-War-Survival-Skills

USMC Winter Survival Course
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2960322/USMC-Winter-Survival-Course

US Marine Corps Summer Survival Course
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2960529/US-Marine-Corps-Summer-Survival-Course

Survival Attitude
http://www.scribd.com/doc/4020001/Survival-Attitude

Nuclear Contamination Avoidance
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6147889/NUCLEAR-CONTAMINATION-AVOIDANCE

Kearny Homemade Fallout Meter
http://www.scribd.com/doc/3082604/Kearny-Homemade-Fallout-Meter

Survival - Personal Wilderness Medical Kit
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6535775/survival-personal-wilderness-medical-kit

--- BUILDING RELATED _SURVIVAL SHELTERS AND MORE

Seven Survival Shelters That Could Save your life!
http://www.scribd.com/doc/3007857/Seven-Survival-Shelters-That-Could-Save-your-life

Building With Stone And Earth - Part 1
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8331565/Building-With-Stone-And-Earth-Part-1

Building With Stone And Earth - Part 2
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8331631/Building-With-Stone-And-Earth-Part-2

Barn Plans And Out-Buildings (1886)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8342942/Barn-Plans-And-OutBuildings-1886

How to build your own underground home
http://www.scribd.com/doc/5504156/How-to-build-your-own-underground-home-construction-plans-energy-efficient-save-money-secur

The Complete Book of Underground Houses _How To
http://www.scribd.com/doc/5902364/-Underground-Homes

The Manual of Free Energy Devices and Systems
http://www.scribd.com/doc/3152210/the-manual-of-free-energy-devices-and-systems

--- COMMUNICATION

The Complete Manual Of Pirate Radio
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8608511/The-Complete-Manual-Of-Pirate-Radio

Crystal Radio Project
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8608892/Crystal-Radio-Project

Field Antenna Handbook
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8608089/Field-Antenna-Handbook

Shortwave Radio _Build Your Own
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6472690/Shortwave-Radio

A Handbook On Shortwave Radio And LEO Sattelite Communication
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8375638/A-Handbook-On-Shortwave-Radio-And-LEO-Sattelite-Communication

Shortwave 101 - How To Listen To World Radio
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9614280/Shortwave-101-How-To-Listen-To-World-Radio

Shortwave Radio Networking When Phones Fail
http://www.scribd.com/doc/3195783/Shortwave-Radio-Networking-When-Phones-Fail

--- FOXFIRE BOOKS, OTHER SKILLS AND USEFUL INFO

The Foxfire Books are simply some of the best old time skills
books around!

Foxfire One
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8961411/Foxfire-One

Foxfire Two
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8961376/Foxfire-Two

Foxfire Three
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8961322/Foxfire-Three

Foxfire Four
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6476078/The-Foxfire-Book-Volume-05

The Foxfire Five
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6476078/The-Foxfire-Book-Volume-05

Water Well Manual
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9165499/Water-Well-Manual

Windmill Construction Manual
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9614230/Windmill-Construction-Manual

Sharpening Small Tools
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9231295/Sharpening-Small-Tools

Farm Shop And Equipment
This publication offers suggested assortment of tools, special
tools, and how to keep and care for them.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9153426/Farm-Shop-And-Equipment

Tools For Agriculture - A Guide To Appropriate Equipment
Appropriate Equipment For Small Farms
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8681208/Tools-For-Agriculture-A-Guide-To-Appropriate-Equipment-

Soapmaking - How To Make Soap
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8304654/Soapmaking-How-To-Make-Soap

Village Technology Handbook
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8681380/Village-Technology-Handbook

W.F. Vickery, Advanced Gunsmithing, 1940
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8697640/Advanced-Gunsmithing-

Manual Of Bicycle Repair
http://www.scribd.com/doc/9452394/Manual

This is how you rock a chain!

2009-12-20T14:06:00.000-06:00

T-Pain @ The Hot 97 Summer Jam!

Travian usx

2009-06-16T18:55:00.001-06:00

Blast from the Past (to be so free...)

2009-02-25T08:21:00.002-06:00

Saturday, March 25, 2006

to be so free...

Sometimes I feel vulnerable to life. Sometimes I let go and let life take me in its own direction. I sometimes feel as if I have waded out to the chest high waters of the ocean, closed my eyes, and let the current do with my soul what it desires…

My nightmares are more vivid than ever. My dreams are probably in Technicolor now (if I could only open my eyes to see them). Last night, I cried in my sleep. Last night, I laughed in my sleep. Both were necessary. I slept well.

My admission for the day: I have cried.

Every time I watch the movie, The Color Purple, I undoubtedly release the ocean of tears during the part of the film where “Mister”(the part played by Danny Glover) throws rocks at “Nettie” (the sister of Whoopi Goldberg’s character “Celie”). I was so ashamed when I first saw this movie as a teen, in the movie theater with my parents nonetheless. To be separated from someone that you feel so close to, someone that you have come to grow with, can be traumatic. I have separation anxiety that I attribute to watching this movie (I feel). I hated “Mister” for that. I always wonder if my parents or my sisters saw me crying. Then again, I always wondered if they recognized that when watching the sex scenes in the movie, Purple Rain , I always left the room, despite knowing exactly what happened and for how long… I was so uncomfortable… That’s a whole ‘nother blog though…

Every time I watch the movie, Independence Day, I always cry like a heartbroken adolescent girl (okay I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the point). There is one scene where the drunken pilot, Russell Casse, played by Randy Quaid, says goodbye to his children while volunteering to sacrifice himself for the greater good of mankind. He was far from perfect, yet his children loved him for who he was. I love that character and I can relate to his struggle with life relating to family, alcohol, and being a working cog in society. His last words are “Up yours” or something like that. I always wind up laughing through the tears. I am an emotional bastard. Sue me. I can pay you a salary from the dried up salt of my tears.

I will never watch the movie, Braveheart. In the score to the film, there is a portion where “Amazing Grace” is being played on the bagpipes. I can remember the first time I heard the song… It was the around the first week of November 2003. It was the first day of Ramadan and I was preparing to go up to 12 hours without smoking or eating in public. I was attending my first wartime memorial service for a fallen soldier. I was ambivalent. Though I personally saw the specific carnage and destruction that lead to the fallen soldier first hand, I did not know this soldier personally, so I was emotionally detached. At this memorial service, as well as many more that I would attend for fallen soldiers, the bagpipe version of the hymn was played in conjunction with the 21-gun salute. A soldier stands fully stiffened with arms fixated at his side at the “position of attention” during this moment. The rifle volleys send chills down my spine. It is impossible to stop the tears once they start. One cannot wipe his face from the “position of attention”. The atmosphere is chilling, even in the midday heat of the desert. A soldier passes out to my left. He lies there as everyone is stuck in the moment. I am frozen in time. Yeah I cry. So. Fucking. What. You can only wish to be so free.

I leave you with a haiku from the archives:

http://2damnhot.blogspot.com/2005/12/6_12.html

Letter to a Beautiful Woman.

2009-02-24T19:05:00.003-06:00

Dear Beautiful Woman,

I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks; thanks for the memories.

I remember our first meeting in LOVE park in Philadelphia. Although you were late, I soon grew used to the expectation and viewed it with anticipation. I seemed like a scene from a good movie in my mind.

I remember all of the diners that we ate at. All of the hole in the wall spots we tried out their food, only to find out it was awesome; there is the chinese restaurant witht he bullet-proof windows that sold dice and toilet tissue... they also sold fresh cut fruit in the early AM. I remember that equally theft deterrent liquor store with the most impressive selection of potato chips and the awesome sandwhich shop in the back that mostly served seafood dinners though the cheesesteak was smokin... Don't forget the menu of any place named "Golden".

I remember the long walk to the art museum where the walk was more entertaainiing than the exhibits and the company impeccable.

I remember the road trip to Florida where we almost crashed and died in the hurricane, skidding thruogh mutiple lanes of heavy teaffic at high speed. Laying on the beach to watch the sunrise followed by observing turtle conservationist is the best way to end that event and have bad luck. I am glad it happened with you.

I remeber all of the acts of random violence that we witnessed. The world is crazy aint it? Makes me wanna steal a tank... Ohh yeah, the police shoulda took me to jail for that but I talked my way outta that one pretty good, huh? I am sorry I punched yo in the eye... It was a nightmare. i can never apologize enough for that subconscious act. It don't help that someone got jacked or stabbed at all my family gatherings we attended. That's how we get down i guess? LOL.

I mostly liked sitting next to you. Just because it was nice.

Like I said. Thanks for the memories. They are good to me.

Vicariously yours,
me

Can I live ti My Last Day?

2009-02-09T19:36:00.002-06:00

Well.

It's been a while and i am about to get back into this blogging thing again.
I will still be introspective.... but as sands fall through an hourglass, time waits for no man; i will live to the fullest.

I read an obituary the other day.
I am not into the habit of doing such things but this one was different.
I was attracted to a beautiful picture of a black woman that appeared to be in her prime.
I wondered what her name was and immediately saw that it was preceded by the DOCTOR nomeclature. It appeared as if this young vibrant beautiful woman had to be an old woman in the end... She was 37 years Old.

Her obituary listed her accomplishments and her accolades, all of which were impressive to me. Nonetheless, I could not help to wonder if this woman had ever stopped to smell the flowers.

Was her life spent pursuing a goal so strongly that she denied an immediate family for herself? What did she do for fun if she spent so much time qualifying for degrees and awards? Did she live her life to the fullest.

She died of brain cancer. I bet she would have made an awesome mother and spouse had she decided but, is that the true reason that we are here?

Well, I didn't know her, yet she has had a profound effect on me througgh her death. Perhaps it really is true; You ARE nobody 'til somebody kills you...

But what am I doing? Am I living a life that if I know I have a terminal disease that I would not look back in regret? I hope so. I try hard to live a good life and be a good person. I just want any regrets on my deathbed.

Apathy Prevails

2008-10-28T17:32:00.002-06:00

For the most part, i feel as if am a fringe citizen.
I am not am ember of society, just merely an observer.
The current political process is so watered down by the time me input is evaluated it has less than a lottery tickets worth of input to how I am living right now.
Then again, I ave always been an Outkast.
The current political climate does make me exited about participating. It is as if my vote coild really change the world. I didn't vote for gore in a contested county in Florida when I knew he would change the world. He got chadded. The next election proved that the majority of votes wont win you anyway.
Al Gore still can change the world, even if he is on the outside looking in.
I wonder how many disenfranchised citizens from the Katrina flood disaster are registered to vote.
I didn't vote once because I was homeless; can't vote without an address.
My brother is a convicted felon. He can't vote either. Is he not at least 3/5ths of a man? He is no longer imprisoned. What is the point?
That is why I stand on the outside looking in.
They make my bills high and I cant do anything about it except topple the regime.

2008-09-30T17:18:00.002-06:00

Damn. She sure is...
Who is she?
Where is she from?
Where does she get those genes?
Where does she get those jeans?
Isn't she Gene's girl?
Who knows.
I just like to to look.
Sue me.

I let my spiders live.

2008-06-24T06:43:00.000-06:00

I let my spiders live. Spiders kill roaches.
Those spiders better kill those crickets...
They keep me up all night like Red Bull intravenously.
I won't snap and hunt them down,
Those rhythmic crickets.
I rest easy.
I let my spiders live.

The Elephant and the mosquito

2008-06-24T06:41:00.000-06:00

The elephant does not fight the mosquito. Fighting a worthless battle consumes too much of its energy. Instead, the elephant has evolved a considerably thick skin. Every once in a while the elephant swats or bathes or rolls in a valiant effort to rid infestation. It doesn't work and the elephant and the mosquito must coexist. Elephant blood is nectar in the land of milk and honey to the mosquitoes of Shanghai.

i scuff my timbs

2008-02-03T00:16:00.001-06:00

…blackcaesar…

B-}
im imaginedbreakfast exploded over dreams.
im the backwash from expensive vintages.
im the interior of of a caddie with plush velour seats.
im inebriated with the essence of life.
im naked and falling into a waterfall.
im floating like driftwood.
until the alarm goes off.

time to put in work.
time to get on the grind.
no time to wait.
gotta get paid.
so i wear new scuffed timbs.

i have been so sick.

2008-02-02T11:44:00.000-06:00

…blackcaesar…

i got so sick. i ignored taking care of my allergies. post nasal drip can make you real sick i tell ya.

Ebbs and Flows

2007-08-22T19:23:00.001-06:00

I never imagined that I ever would utter such a statement as this: I am not good at sex; I am excellent.
I am not showcasing bravado, or flexing testosterone; it is been proven to me. I know you are shaking your head but listen here...

I am a very humble man. I never would tell you I was good at something and not be beyond proficient. I am no braggart. My excellence is derived from a very important experience' my first time...

My first time having sex was with a girl that I was highly interested in at the time of course. She was older and all but I was wise beyond my years even back then. it was awkward. It was backward. It was absurd. It didn't take me long to realize I had no idea what I was doing. That didn't last long though. I became celibate while embarking on a fantastic voyage of education on sex and sexuality. It was the beginning of many pleasure purges that I have undergone in my life. The problem with depravity is once it is relieved, gluttony may soon follow.

I share to all in listening range. Sex is least about the body and most about the mind. From selection to separation, every sexual move you ever make comes from the brain. I deduce that the most ultimate sex is mental. Once a mental connection is made, the physical is bound to connect. Free your mind and your ass will follow or similar...

Cemented in stone

2007-08-14T21:18:00.000-06:00

I should have learned.
History repeats itself and I got burned.

I should have learned from the mistakes that Firestone made when it had to recall some odd 6.5 million tires. I didn't. The end result is I had my car irresponsibly possessed by some amateur mechanics at their brake shop. They totally tried to let me slide after doing nothing to my car. I called them on it and they gave my money back. Not only did I get swindled out of the time that it took for them to NOT fix my car, they traded by my brand new battery for one that they sell. I JUST PURCHASED A DIE HARD FROM SEARS ONE WEEK BEFORE. Any how... Any way... I just found out today this fiasco. Imma see them bitches in the morning.

Aint that Amazing how all those Chinese products are being recalled. I believe it is politically motivated to control the overwhelming control that China has on the trade scale. We need more money and more jobs in times of deficit so bash the other suppliers product is the name of the game.

Watch who feeds you your news. They will control your every action by fear and influence.

Gotta wash the dishes. Piece. LOL. Piece of what?

beautiful sky

2007-07-22T17:12:00.001-06:00

this is one of the most beautiful feelings ever.

the nature of the beast

2007-04-28T14:30:00.000-06:00

ihow can one ever be satisfied if at any moment he is only half a man?

I dont blame you if you look. i mean...

2006-12-13T13:44:00.001-06:00

look at me! I am so fine!

dont make me

2006-09-22T21:06:00.000-06:00

do it. I will...

I am so fine!

2006-06-11T20:16:00.000-06:00

Massive update coming. Stay Tuned.

afternoon with my uncle

2006-04-17T19:48:00.000-06:00

Here's a pic a snapped of me and my uncle, riding in his XLE (extra large Escalade). Being the Cadillac lover that I am, it was a treat. We had plenty of fun in Kansas City this weekend. I can't wait to go back!

kansas

2006-04-16T08:17:00.000-06:00

I left Kansas on Friday. I am going to visit friends and family. If you want me to drop by, hit me with an email. This is a picture (from my phone of course) of the rolling plains of kansas... I post this from my phone and will post more pics and stories to come...

mike and i

2006-04-11T03:58:00.000-06:00

this is a pic that I shot purposely but it wound up being an accident. I like the pic myself.

lovers and friends

2006-04-05T04:11:00.000-06:00

patriotic motorcycles

2006-04-03T14:44:00.000-06:00

Something I feel this morning...

2006-04-02T09:07:00.000-06:00

Bob Marley - Pimpers Paradise

She love to party, have a good time
She looks so hearty, feeling fine
She loves to smoke, sometime shifting coke
She'll be laughing when there ain't no joke

A pimpers paradise, thats all she was now
A pimpers paradise, that's all she was
A pimpers paradise, that's all she was
Every need got an ego to feed
Every need got an ego to feed

She loves to model, up in the latest fashion
She's in the scramble and she moves with passion
She's getting high, trying to fly the sky
Now she is bluesing when there ain�t no blues
A pimpers paradise, thats all she was now
A pimpers paradise, that's all she was
A pimpers paradise, that's all she was
Every need got an ego to feed
Every need got an ego to feed

A pimpers paradise, that's all she was now
A pimpers paradise, that's all she was
A pimpers paradise, I'm sorry for the victim now
A pimpers paradise, soon their heads, soon their
Soon their very heads will bow
Pimpers paradise, don't loose track
Don't loose track of yourself oh no!
Pimpers paradise, don't be just a stock, a stock on the shelf
Stock on the shelf, Pimpers paradise that's all she was

The Worms

2006-04-02T08:50:00.000-06:00

Last night it rained. It rained hard; the rhythm of the rain lulled me to a peaceful sleep. Before I dozed off, I witnessed the power of the precipitation firsthand. I walked out on my balcony, complete with overhead protection. I soaked in the humid air, crisp with the scent new linen, as the flashes of lightning stuck fear into my heart. The razor edges of the lightning strikes separated the darkness from the sublime. The thunder clasped my aorta and retracted, allowing for the release of the endorphins that are associated with my personal fear. I was reminded of the sounds of tanks, firing main gun rounds, point blank, into the eyes of a man fighting for his love of death, armed only with a dull bayonet. The air was saline moist, tear-like in essence. I licked my lips.

When I woke the next morning, the warm front had rolled in; the rain had passed. The sun was shining down upon early seasonal spring daybreak. I needed the sun. I need the radiance of heaven to shine upon my soul, reminding me that love still exists when the darkness of night retreats. I needed the warmth of love to sooth the burning desire to inflict myself in the indulgences of the dark side… I needed to punish myself for enjoying the darkness of the night whilst I slept. I laced up the sneakers, grabbed the mp3 player and I ran.

I took a path that was littered with a strange but familiar site. There were night crawler worms all about the rain drenched pavement that I pounded in fury with each stride. I adjusted my steps as to not smash the creatures of the dark. The worms were seeking the same radiance of the sunshine that I sought. I was in no mood to intervene. They too deserved punishment for enjoying the darkness of life…

I remember being a kid and hunting for these juicy worms to go catfish hunting in the morn on the banks of the Delaware River. I thought of my fisherman friend up the street. Why had he not gathered all these worms and fished this morning. No. These worms deserved the sunshine. Love shall be their fate.

These worms were stretched out as far as their segmented bodies would reach. The night crawlers were vulnerable to every element of the spring morning environment; they basked in an attempt to soak in the love radiated by the sun. They opened themselves up; the love of the sun may smite them. I related to the worm’s pain as I stretched my stride open, becoming vulnerable to love of the sun myself. I may be smitten yet.

In this “life o’mine”, I had been the worm for too long. I had dwelled in the darkness for what seemed to be a lifespan. I embraced the cold, rain soaked ground and never-ending dark tunnels of my environment. I felt most comfortable taking the shit that life distributed, digesting it and returning it to the world as a fundamental element of life. I had burrowed deeply into my surroundings and myself. I didn’t realize that if I rose to greet the sunshine, there would be many like myself trying to soak in the magnificence as well. A night crawler digs alone; he basks among many. Sadly, a night crawler basking in the sun will undoubtedly meet a timely death. This morning, there was a solo black bird perched on a wire, stuffed from glutton. He couldn’t every worm and remained in the distance, satiated, ominous as death itself. The real enemy of the worm is not the reaper of the crow. The real enemy of the night crawler is the love of the sun. Night crawlers don’t recognize that opening yourself to the magnificence of the sun will leave you open to the opportunity to be dried up and blown away by the afternoon breeze. Perhaps some worms will be lucky enough to survive the sun and avoid the crow. These worms remain the luckiest of all. They opened themselves to the vulnerability of love, despite its possible disastrous nature; surviving the elements will leave them forever changed. I am the worm. Perhaps I could get struck by lightning? Nah. Who would be so lucky? Not I said the worm.

my fortune cookie says:

2006-03-30T05:08:00.000-06:00

You will be travelling and coming into a fortune.
I hope so.

Fw:O.G. Pimps

2006-03-27T07:21:00.000-06:00

O.G. Gangsters in beautiful Kansas,
G's up, Hoes down!
posted by --gunger2005

party pic 2

2006-03-26T20:42:00.002-06:00

taking a self portrait with my new cellular phone.
I am at the party that my soldiers threw for me.

party pic

2006-03-26T20:42:00.001-06:00

I am at the party for my separation from the army.
This camera phone is crazy!!! I will figure it out!!!

2006-03-26T20:41:00.000-06:00

farwell to arms.

2006-03-26T13:36:00.000-06:00

Yeah.
I am a bit nostalgic today.
I am a bit reflective as well.
Suprisingly, I recall all of the cool moments I have spent in the United States Army.
Funny thing is, some of these moments are also some of my worst.
I joined the Army for the strangest reason that many have ever heard. I was hungry, homeless, suicidal, and generally displaced. I yearned punishment as an escape from the seemingly endless punishment that life seemed to have been dealing me. I had been torturing myself with endless amounts of push ups and sit ups in an effort to displace my pain. In fact, I was doing push-ups when the Trade Center fell. How ironic. I needed punishment for existing; the United States Army was my shoe size. I tried them on.

Basic and advanced individual training were both truly punishing for me. The environments extremely challenged my mental and my physical existence. I lost myself in self inflicted pain. I discovered ecstasy in escape. I was free.

I trained in the middle of nowhere. I knew not one soul and was comfortable with that concept. I was an island unto self. I endured both the warmest and coldest environments that I had ever encountered during my lifepan. Little did Mother Nature know, the elements were at MY command; they affected me not. I had become immune to the torture of temperature and the stabs of eviromnental allergic triggers. Loneliness was my welcome companion. I gritted my teeth for sustinance. I had transformed Michaelngelo's David from a pile of dust. I was invincible and willing to dare the world to try me.
The world had its chance to test my fortitude.

I spent a great deal of my time in the Army being a single father to my daughter. The Army lifestyle, for a combat soldier, is not tailored to accomodating the typical lifestyle that is necessary to being a sucessful single parent. With the help of some extremely compassionate friends, mission accomplisment was achieved, but the battle was far from easily won. I learned alot about life from these moments.

I served in Iraq under Operation Iraqi Freedom 2. I completed over 350 combat missions as a medic with 1-34 Armor battalion. I served hand-in-hand with soldiers from th 82nd Airborne division, 1-16 Infantry battalion, 1st Marine expeditionary force. Along with these brave soldiers, I witnessed firsthand what it is like to walk the line between potential death and death actualized. One can tell a great deal about the human existance when life is the wager. I learned I am not a betting man.

I look forward to my new/ old life as a civilian. The transition from the miltary to the civilian sector is one that should evoke fears. I have forgotten what it is like to be scared of death; fear of life is also a distant memory. I merely exist in a constant flux of kill!!! and never!!!. Ambivilance is my watchword; numb is my expression. Perhaps I am not Michaelangelo's David afterall; perhaps I am Rodin's The Thinker instead. Only time will tell. Nothing is engraved in stone, is it?

The first picture above is of me while on ammunition detail during a training nine millimeter range, held outdoors, during freezing elements of a brutal winter. I smiled.

The second picture is of me from last night. My soldiers threw me a Army separation party. I was truly emotional as it seems, I mean alot to most of the soldiers that I have worked with. They had no problem expressing their willingness to die in battle with me. That type of bond does not come easy. I recognized. I smiled. Ohh yeah. They gave me the nicest award I have ever recieved and I have recieved quite a few. Death be not proud...

to be so free...

2006-03-25T10:05:00.000-06:00

My admission for the day: I have cried.

I leave you with a haiku from the archives:

http://2damnhot.blogspot.com/2005/12/6_12.html

blast from the past....

2006-03-19T12:31:00.000-06:00

I didn't date this letter, but I remember writing it right after my first real action in Iraq so I date this Halloween 2003. I only sent this letter to those that I felt would be worried about me, to let them know that i was still okay (I was a bit shaken from all of the initial exposure to the bloodshed) I didn't want anyone at home to worry about me and I knew my mother was real worried. I learned through the Tao that it is bad to make your parents worry, so I wrote a rather bland letter. In addition, one cannot write many details in the letters home from the war, due to the sensitive nature of the missions. In hindsight, this letter describes a Disneyland compared to to the gulag that Iraq really was. I was so...(speechless).

Hello!

I am doing fine in the war zone, as to be expected. Some of you have heard from me and some of you haven't. I have replied to all mail that was written to me through the U.S. Postal Service; if you haven't received the letter yet, "It's in the mail!" If you aren't expecting a return letter, write me! I have read my email once since I got here. Electronic communications are difficult because the phone lines get shut off every time someone dies, until their families get notified. That is why I haven't responded to the emails directly due to the death that occurs in the war zone. I haven't called because we have two phones for a whole brigade of soldiers and 10 minutes to use them once you've waited in the long line. Email access is the same, but I can do a whole lot more with 10 minutes of email time then I could do on a phone. Also, I don't have everyone's phone number. I would appreciate phone numbers in the emails please.

War is different than you see on the news. A strange thing is, there are so many press officials here, trying to get the story, that war can seem trivial to a point. I try to keep everything in perspective. The way things get reported, compared to how things really are, can differ extremely. I think they call that media spin. People change for the camera as well. I ride with the media in my armored vehicle all of the time. They mostly get in the way. When the media comes along, we do politically correct things. When no one is watching we get much more rude. We should be on 60 minutes sometime in January unless the war comes to an abrupt halt.
Conditions are getting better for us. With the help of some other soldiers, we have designed a way to take showers that aren't freezing cold. It can get to be relatively cold in the desert and that doesn't make taking a shower very easy. The food has improved slightly since we have come but it is in short supply mostly. Don't worry though, I won't starve. I am resourceful.
I miss a lot of things that I had easy access to in the states. I encourage everyone to appreciate the small things in life more. In the United States, people are spoiled by a high standard of living. I am glad to have less, even if only temporarily; perspective of life changes as a have-not.
Ramadan is almost over and Thanksgiving is upon us. Soon it will be Christmas, Kwaanza and New Year's Day. I will still be at war but I will celebrate nonetheless. I just pray for everyone to have a happy holiday season.

James.
be deeper

And if you are wondering, the pic really is of my crew- those brave bastards.

Imagination

2006-03-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

Imagination

You are too real.

You are my imagination.

I see the image of feelings that are reserved for reality, but never experienced. This can't be real, yet is all too real. The essence of classical beauty, divine to eyes, manifests itself in your aura. I can no longer see. In fact, I have never seen before. The very thought of what you represent is only displayed in what I perceive could be possible. Even the repugnance of rejection casts an enticing allure. I can no longer wait. In fact, time stands still. Even as I turn to reject my very real thoughts, my imagination, the scent of pungent sinsemilla intertwined with soft wisps of cedar and ecstasy remind me of your representation. I inhale. You are too real. You are my imagination. I would speak if you could hear; my voice could never travel far or fast enough to influence your mind before the concepts were not worthy of your witness, so I withhold. You remain silent, non- intrigued by lack of stimulation. I demand you, leave my mind, yet, I do not desire to rebuke your reality. I listen to reason. I can fathom the harmony of your song to be similar to lullabies of distant sirens, beckoning shipwrecked sailors to embrace their own fate and drift castaway into the abyss of the sea's horizon. I never heard silence sound so sweet. I sing its sacrament. You are my muse. The reach for your vision fails only to recognize that the realm is beyond my span. Rules defile me. To touch the imaginary would birth existence. You are too real. You are my imagination. The touch of silken cashmere togas, threaded with strands of heaven would be unworthy to clothe the goddess of my imagination. You stand, raw, naked, unabashed in truth. I feel you within my soul, yet you don't exist. You fulfill my appetite, yet I have never tasted.

You are too real.

You are my imagination.

It was cold last night.

2006-03-06T18:55:00.000-06:00

It was cold last night.

I know.

I went out there…

I waited for you to come.

I anticipated that you would soon arrive.

It would have been so simple if things came to fruition.

I was naïve; you were restless.

You needed some time; you needed some space.

Influences of life sometimes cause the unnecessary stresses that are best shirked through the extravagances of entertainment.

You desired to dance as if the world were ambivalent to your gyrations.

Your chi inspired the sun to rise.

I gave you room to allow your wings to spread.

You flew into the horizon.

When you returned, you were forever changed.

It was cold last night.

You were warm.

I worried that you would not return.

You were not required to make your presence known.

I worried that you may have been victim to bodily harm.

The world is cruel, only desiring to distribute pain inflicted.

I imagined that you were involuntarily involved in a crime against your nature.

It would be better than you voluntarily being involved with another soul.

I desired to rescue you.

Instead I was replaced.

I wished that you would arrive.

I needed your presence to validate my existence.

When you did not return, I remained hollow.

Perhaps I knew that you would not return.

Perhaps my naivety was mistaken denial.

You needed to be free.

I needed you with me.

I waited for you to come.

I waited in vain.

It was cold last night.

Know Thyself

2006-03-06T18:53:00.000-06:00

It is a commonly held belief that early man became conscious of his being by comparing himself to other elements of nature. Man compared himself to air, rocks, trees, animals, rivers, and eventually other humans. Nothing that could be perceived by man avoided the eventual comparison to the burgeoning consciousness of man himself. It is my belief that the continuous quest that man has undertaken, a desire to “know thyself”, has been in vain. The real quest that man has devoted his efforts focuses on not the content of man but the context of man in relation to every other viable source of simulation available. In essence, knowing one’s self is impossible; knowing the world and how one relates to it are paramount.

It would be interesting to see a true experiment of self consciousness conducted in a vacuum. My hypothesis encompasses the following concept: to be free from interaction with other humans would leave no information for one to develop the individual personality traits that make human beings the highest known vessels of intelligence on the planet. I further claim: intelligence, as well as other forms of qualitative analysis of the human existence, is valid due to a comparison of self to the relation that one holds with other beings. One is defined, not by their individual content, but the collective stimulation derived from the context of how others relate to their existence. Many times I wish that were not the case; I do not desire to qualify my existence by what I desire to see in others but what I see in myself. It seems that, if I am to truly exist, there has to be someone there to confirm as witness my existence. In that light, the phrase “know thyself” really interprets “come know me; come verify my existence”. To “know thyself” is to merely be observant of how others observe you.

With that being said, how do you feel about me? Love, hatred, or any feelings between, can never be seen as a measure of how I really feel for the world; I base those feelings on how the world makes me feel about myself. In extension, I imagine how you feel about me, is really a reflection of how I make you feel about yourself. I hope that I make you feel good. That way, you possess the framework necessary to make the world a better place. After all, to “know thyself” requires someone else to grade the result. “Know thyself”; pass it on.

I give penance...

2006-02-23T04:42:00.000-06:00

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned...
It's been a grip of time since I have blogged and I give penance...

Anyhow I’d like to tell you all about what’s been going on. I have been spending a lot of time looking for a new job and applying to school and preparing to take certification and admission tests as well as fulfilling requirements to satisfy different types of employment. Right now, my heart is leaning towards pursuing work as a phlebotomist, while I receive a professional bakers certificate from the American Institute of Baking. I still am going on world tour for the month of May as well as an additional excursion to some distant destinations for the 4th of July festivities. I want to let my soul be free.

An update for the concerned: I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol and I don’t miss it one bit anymore. I sometimes desire to have a drink out of habit sometimes when I come home from work or am around others that are drinking in social events but I really have no desire to drink and I feel really good about that.

I was in a situation where a friend and I were going to go discuss some prospective business transactions and I learned that I didn’t know what Soduku was. I didn’t know what a Natatorium was. I didn’t know what a Euphonium was either. All these revelations occurred during the course of the day, through casual conversations with people that I encountered. These people were on a college campus though. I mostly deal with military personnel; they are mostly those that the biggest word in their vocabulary is motherfucker. Needless to say, I was impressed with the general level of intelligence that I was surrounded by, if only for a moment.

I leave you all with the final (for now) occurrence of religious blasphemy that I have encountered. Enjoy or not.

gallery 2

2006-02-04T15:04:00.001-06:00

Anyone remember
Salman Rushdie?

disclaimer:
No disrespect intended...

gallery 1

2006-02-01T17:06:00.000-06:00

be angry
or
don't be angry.
true art evokes emotion.
respect due to the respective artists.

Go postal!

2006-01-31T18:47:00.000-06:00

Well, it seems that people are at it again! A California postal worker has gone on a shooting spree and shot everyone at the job! The horror! The strange thing is, in my line of work, this happens on Tuesday.

Sometimes the stresses of life get to you. At times, it is easy to succumb to feelings of hopelessness and feel the urge to lash out at society. In my line of work, I find people everyday that are in these same types of desolate situations….

I AM AN AMERICAN SOLDIER

Just the other day, I was pulled over by military police. They searched the trunk of the Cadillac, looking for some guy that shot his wife…

My neighbor and his wife separated because she now has hard-core pornographic movies available on the Internet. Her husband was in Iraq when they were made.

This one soldier came home from Iraq to find that his wife is one month pregnant, and he had only been home for one week! I am quite sure that he wanted to shoot a bunch of people over that!

There is even a situation where a soldier got “accidentally” shot in a training drill.

I work where people shoot themselves in the head on a regular basis; where alcoholism and destructive behavior is commonplace. Killing is the number one job function for most people in my line of work; mental stability is commonly misplaced in my opinion. I go to the range tomorrow! Yay!

Anyway, I am a medic. If you want to get an eyewitness account of what it is like to do my job, turn on the news. The coverage of the ABC reporters that were injured in Iraq, basically describes the type of work I do.

At least when I get out of the military, I have first dibs on a postal job! I know I am psychotic enough for that! (Sarcasm)

A More Perfect Union

2006-01-31T17:36:00.000-06:00

Tonight, the president will give his state of the union address. His approval rate is down; in fact, it is the worst of his presidential term. If I were the president, I would address the following issues.

Security

Americans have been living in a state of terror; we've been living every moment as if the proverbial skeletons in the closet will sneak out and attack us the moment we close our eyes to go to sleep. People do not need to feel as if they are unsecured unless providing the security is a means of controlling the masses. I hope control through terror is not the goal. The constant existence of the terror threat level and its related fluctuation possibilities leaves me with a sense of impending doom that I depend on the government to alleviate, without controlling my mind.

Human Rights

I want to be able to fly on a plane if I so choose. I want to be able to have a private telephone call if I choose. I want to be able to make a purchase without being tracked or read a website or a book without someone looking over my shoulder. I want access to health care. I don’t want to starve because I am too old to work. I want the right to express disapproval of my leadership and I want the right to be able to choose who leads me. In a sense, give me freedom.

Technology

As an American, I am tired of being a slave to the price of gas. It affects the cost of everything around me and there is really no control. Why should the price of oil control whether I can afford to buy certain foods or visit my family on vacation? There has to be a better way to fuel our lives and base the economy; I hope there is a way that Americans can gain some control. I also hope the president opens access to stem cell research, genetically modified food research, and better defines Internet and related information dissemination laws.

Standard of living

I want access to education, housing, food and shelter, in an environment where I feel that my family and I can thrive. I do not want to pay unnecessary taxes. In fact, I welcome taxes that are distributed fairly. Why would I want to pay taxes to bail out airlines when I am afraid to fly for example? (I am not afraid to fly, but I want smooth roads for my Cadillac to travel, and I will pay taxes for that.)

That’s about it. I am not increasingly political due to my having to be impartial in order to perform my duties as a soldier, but I still vote. With that being said, I do have issues that a voter should be concerned with.

What principles do you think, should a government and a society be built upon?

the run down

2006-01-28T17:18:00.000-06:00

I have been so busy as of late.

Here’s the run down:

I have been getting treated for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). This is most likely a result to the stimulus I was exposed to in war. I am a combat veteran, having served in over 350 combat missions under Operation Iraqi Freedom as a medic. I have been feeling bouts of anxiety and depression as of late (for a while) and I decided to go talk to a doctor about it, since I feel I was I denial about the whole situation. The doctor believed I needed to be treated for PTSD. I got to see a psychiatrist now. How embarrassing.

I have quit drinking. Well, the doctor gave me some medication that I am not allowed to drink with, so I haven’t. I don’t even have the desire to drink physically. Sometimes I get into social situations where I am used to drinking, but I have decided to chase women and be sober instead of drinking. What a substitution I know…. I could be taking this medication for the long term, so drinkingis out. I don't miss it one bit. I feel freer than I ever have. Actually, I feel great; i feel better than I ever have in my life.

I am preparing to separate from the Army. Yeah, I get out of the Army soon. I am a little anxious. I feel as if the medication that the doctor is giving me is causing me to feel better, but I don’t know if I will be able to afford to take it after I get out of the Army I also have become a bit institutionalized from the military lifestyle and I will need a little time to become “deprogrammed”. In addition, my day-to-day job is becoming more and more difficult, but more fulfilling at the same time. I am preparing my soldiers on how to carry on in my absence.

When I get out of the Army, I am trying to go back to school, I am trying to get into a certificate program, which last about a semester. Afterwards, I want to attend culinary school and get a related degree.

I also want to go on vacation. I am ready to go anywhere. I am preferential to places in the United States. It’s soon time for a road trip.

That’s about it.

I am busy/ crazy/ anxious/ etcetera.

C’est la vie.

Honest Answer

2006-01-21T10:43:00.000-06:00

I believe that humans have lost the propensity for truth and honesty. Take this quiz and honestly evaluate your answers within yourself. Don’t let two fist-full of questions beat you up. Honesty is easy. Try it.

Is it wrong to tell a lie?

Is it possible to live without telling lies?

How much of the truth can be omitted, before that truth becomes a blatant lie?

Have you ever found yourself lying so that you could get better access to money or sex?

Do you tell lies without realizing you are doing it?

Is lying free speech?

What is the difference between lying, exaggeration and bullshitting?

Is it wrong to tell a lie in order to prevent pain and suffering?

Are humans born with the desire to lie or is it a learned trait?

What do you think about human nature?

let freedom ring.

2006-01-16T13:07:00.000-06:00

What do you value?

2006-01-16T11:53:00.000-06:00

There are several freedoms that I enjoy that add to my pursuit of leading a meaningful life.

I can pursue education and enlightenment.

I can participate in and provide mentoring to my family and friends.

I celebrate the freedom to show the capacity for love and to be open to receive love as well.

I appreciate living in a society where I do not fear for my personal safety or the safety of my family.

I find satisfaction in showing charity and compassion for those less fortunate than myself.

I find importance in being able to belong to something greater than the unit of self.

It is important to be able to feed, clothe and shelter yourself and provide these things for your family.

I find importance in being treated with fairness.

It is truly valuable to see the beauty in life.

The thing that I value include:

Solitude

Security

Style

Loyalty

Selflessness

Intelligent conversation

Good food

Time with my daughter

The feeling of accomplishment that comes with a job well done.

A good laugh.

What do you think is important and meaningful in life? What do you value?

What do you believe about gods and their nature?

2006-01-15T23:57:00.000-06:00

I believe in GOD.

I believe GOD is personal to each of us.

My GOD does not have the propensity to be evil, however my GOD will allow me to stumble and fall, in order to allow me to learn a lesson.

I believe GOD is above man.

I believe that no man will truly know GOD.

I believe that communication with GOD extends beyond the 5 senses which humans are familiar.

My GOD in omnipotent and hears my pleas.

My GOD is the creator of my universe and has the power to destroy it, but I don’t believe he will.

My GOD is not jealous of Vengeful.

The belief in GOD allows for social behavioral constraint.

Belief I GOD allows me to be humble.

I believe that GOD allows for the existance of hope.

On a separate note, I was born a Christian.

this is an extention of a thought found @ dvalin darkdale .

What do you believe about gods and their nature?

You Are Being Followed

2006-01-15T10:42:00.000-06:00

Don’t look now…

But…

If you carry a cell phone…

You are being followed.

Long gone are the days when your privacy was a valued commodity.

There is no such thing as personal secure communications.

With the wave of a finger, the president can listen to you order a pizza on your cell phone.

Long gone are the days when a personal conversation between two people will remain private, due to celluar surveillance devices.

Is Your Cell Phone Ratting on You?

Cellphones are equipped with GPS these days even.

Anyone could know where you are, within 5 feet, as long as you can receive a cell phone signal.

Now you can even buy hard copies of cellular contacts!

(AmericaBlog has a current post relating to this phenomenon including how ones cell phone records for sale LocateCell.com .

This isn’t Fantasy Island.

This is real life.

In a world where remote control guided missiles can be guided directly into an area the size of a door or window from miles away, having a cell phone could make you the X that marks the spot.

Now being a fugitive will be impossible?

Now the U.S. will catch Osama Bin Laden as soon as he sends a text message?

Now I know exactly where that sexy young lady is when she doesn’t answer her phone…

Big brother is watching.

I don’t like what he sees.

memories of "the kid"

2006-01-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

Sometimes as I get ready for bed, I think of my daughter as I remember what it was like to tuck her into her bed at night. I remember how she was scared of the dark, so I comforted her the best that I could. She slept so soundly. Sometimes, I see other kids playing in my neighborhood, and I look to see if they were playing games that she would enjoy. When I was at the grocery store the other day, I overheard a little girl asking her mother for some school snacks. It made me smile, but inside it hurt that I had no one to buy school snacks for. Today, I brought some Girl Scout cookies from a real live girl scout, I know I don’t need the cookies, but that girl reminded me of “the kid”. I brought an extra box on top of the box I didn’t need. I gave a rundown of all the places to go roller-skating in town just yesterday, like I was an expert. I took down the 2005 calendar she made for me, personalized with her mug shot. I will put it in the photo album. Her bedroom remains untouched, as if she will return to it. She will not. I will remember fondly dancing with her in the living room still.
“The kid” will remain with her mother for the time being, and I hear from “the kid” very little and see her none. Sometimes I feel that is the best thing. When I remember “the kid”, which I do often, I always feel sad. Her mother lives so far away. When I think of the circumstances surrounding the separation of me from my family I am saddened. I always think of what could I have done to rectify the situation. Her mother just left. Sure, times were tough, but I didn’t beat her mother or… whatever… I can’t rationalize the irrational. I wish her mother well, but I still wonder if she knows the emptiness and sadness she imparted when she took away my daughter. Memories are still fond, even in sadness. Yeah, I really call her “the kid”. (smile) I wish she were here now. I'd kiss her on her forehead and send her to bed, making sure the nightlight was on...

dance into the horizon

2006-01-08T15:06:00.000-06:00

My dancing timeline

I was born 197x.

Early 198x: I danced in the Soul Train line at my parents wedding (ghetto but true)

1982: I danced like Michael Jackson, to the delight of my parents (how weird)

1984: I was exposed to the world of break dancing via the cult classic Breakin’.

My first public display of break dancing as me and my stepbrother’s “crew’ gave a live break dancing demonstration in the movie theater lobby.

I became part of a “crew”; I was a full-fledged, linoleum carrying, break dance battler in my ‘hood.

1987: I received my first non break dance lesson from a FINE young thang in my hood. She taught me to do the “Alf” and the “Cabbage Patch”. I did no more break dancing….

1988: I was well versed in all of the Kid and Play kick steps and was skilled as Scoop and Scrap Lover in hip-hop dance.

I danced at my first and last school dance with a female. I was no good at it… (I was in the ninth grade or so...)

1991: My sister and I entered a talent show in which I rapped and danced while wearing MC Hammer inspired, paisley printed, gold lame outfits. (With HARD hoodsJ)

1992: I took a class on how to waltz given by the lovely ladies of Delta Sigma Theta (I will always have a special spot in my heart for a DST lady.)

2000: I took my then wife for our first and last night of dancing….

2003: I taught my daughter the waltz.

2006: I contemplate dancing lessons after realizing, I really can not dance and I really could never dance.

This past weekend I went out for a dinner with some friends. Afterwards they wanted to go dancing… It was salsa dancing at that. There were plenty of beautiful women to dance salsa with but I am unskilled at dancing. What can I say? I looked fun. I saw Master P on Dancing with The Stars this weekend. Let’s just say, he is no Jerry Rice and neither am I. I was always envious of those who could dance well. Jealousy is no way to live your life. I may just take up ballroom dancing. It can't be that gay. Evander Holyfield does it and he can knock out everyone I know! Every time I see True Lies, I always wish that I could tango Like Schwarzenegger with Tia Carrere (who was fabulous on Dancing With the Stars by the way…) My only issue with dancing is the same issue that I have with woman in general. It's like a woman will show up and be like “please me” and I am supposed to dance her out of her glass slipper. Well, I am no more the prince than she is the Cinderella. Yet-and-still, becoming a proficient dancer may be the answer to a lot of my internal conflicts. Strange but true… I always felt as if my inability to dance always held me back socially. Maybe I will fall for a non-cooking dance instuctor. I secretly yearn for the day that i will dance into the horizon. That would taste so good.

food for thought

2006-01-07T19:02:00.000-06:00

I love to cook.

I love to eat.

I love to go grocery shopping.

In fact there is not much about food that I do not appreciate, except washing dishes (sigh). Over the course of time, I have become a pretty good cook. The wild thing is I specialize in cooking for one. So be it, but there is no one to help me with the dishes. Oh well. There are also half the dishes? Not quite. There definitely is no one to complain about my cooking. The only complaint I usually get is I make people fat with my cooking. What are you eating for dinner? Did you make enough for four or did you cook for one? Do you eat healthy? Myself, I’d like to say I eat pretty healthy. I have vices that I have developed over the course of time that may not be healthy such as using real, salted butter instead of margarine. Just some things, the choice is difficult. What am I eating tonight? Mixed mushrooms and Basil fettuccine tossed in pesto and olive oil. Heineken. I also will eat a slice of marinated mozzarella and Caesar salad (no parmesan) with tomato. I drove past an Olive Garden restaurant yesterday. Perhaps I need some bread too…

I can tell how I feel, by what I eat. I should do a dietary biorhythm since I rarely do menus. Just a thought.

cloning

2006-01-07T14:54:00.000-06:00

I was listening to Immortal Technique’s Black Cargo and in one song the interesting description was painted of scientists extracting the DNA of Jesus from the cross and cloning him in order to bring him back to life. Though I discounted the depiction as fanatical conspiracy theory, I still entertained the thought for a minute. What if the limitations of cloning were revealed and conquered?

What if extracted DNA could be used to create an exact replica of its source, including personality and age, to include experience and memory?
Could it be possible that spare parts for humans be “farmed”?
Is cloning the answer to eternal life or age regression?
Is it wrong to use cloning to eradicate disease and suffering?
What would happen if cloning lead to the emergence of eradicated diseases or long gone evils if the world?
How would life be if everyone were the same?

I think genetic imperfections and variety in life are the reason that life is worth living. I have no problem with the concept that I will not live forever. Life is a beautiful portrait, framed by the limitations imposed by death. I accept the whole picture. When I am gone, I hope that the life I have led would have been unique, leaving a solitary thumbprint in the infinite wrinkle of the universe. I do not want to be cloned.

is it wrong?

2006-01-04T18:39:00.000-06:00

is it wrong for someone to go through life thinking everyone that they meet will let them down? perhaps.
the jury isn't in yet...

Repost from December 2004and May 2005

2006-01-02T12:56:00.000-06:00

*i deleted these blog posts by mistake

I admit, responsibly (from May 2005)

Ever since 1994, there has been a special place in my life for alcohol consumption. I have been known to drink well; i have been known to drink poorly. I have always appreciated the effects of ethanol consumption in my life.

I may be an alcoholic.

How would one determine if alcohol is an inhibiting factor in one's life? Does the consumption of ETOH need to cause chaos and wreak havoc on a drinker's personal infrastructure or cause the drinker bodily harm before it deemed to be problematic? I wonder... my issue with alcohol consumption is the same issue I have with life. i take shots with responsibility.

Well before I ever had a drink of alcohol, the "nectar" was omnipotent in my atmosphere. I cannot recall a single adult who did not consume alcohol to some degree. Drinking was an endemic activity to all of my family gatherings; I found most to be enjoyable. That is all the more reason to drink.

When I was thirteen, my stepmother was involved in a drunk driving accident. That, as tragic as it may seem, never was viewed to be a deterrent to drinking, only an exclamation to drinking responsibly. What is responsible drinking anyway?

In a different light, I would observe that i come from a long line of alcohol abusers. It just seems that the abusers in my family conduct their alcoholism responsibly. We get our drink on in the privacy of our own homes; away from the dangers of the world...

I think alcohol consumption keeps me from the world...

(More to come)

new world odor (from december 2004)

i am easily addicted to media
i love to satisfy my observation senses, yet and still
i never let anyone close enough to know
the media immediately close to my soul
i am an island unto myself
isolated from the love of the world
wrapped in the blanket of relative insignificance
pro-soliloquoy
i choose not to be
should i be concerned with the freedom of the world
my soul is imprisoned
no chance for parole
then again
house arrest may be appropriate
share isolation
digitally divided
mentally multiplied
theoretically masturbated
love for self-hatred
viva la dead

never is a word
that always seems to convey
possibility

i could not retrieve the responses that were associated with thes posts... if you are looking for them, i apologize. also, if you were looking to post a response to my last post, I apologize for having the comments section turned off. it was my mistake...

Yes, this is for my audience. This is a public display after all... I still maintain that I write for self- evaluation/ enjoyment. Well, there you go. you enjoy, while i self evualute.

the other side of the tracks

2006-01-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

Race relations have been on my mind a lot these days. It is one subject that I always ponder the realization of its existence. However, most people view racial discussions as if it were a boil on the face... if you ignore it, it may not bust; but if you bother it, it may be a mess... the common notion is, why do I have to be black or white, or Asian, etcetera? Why can’t I just be me? That would be nice in a perfect world, but we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? There always will be a classification of people that will extend beyond their name and occupation. People will be grouped into clusters that identify them. It just so happens that racial classification is the easiest to do…

I have always been a victim of stereotypes whether I choose to be or not. Stereotypes suck, but they exist.

* Italians are mobsters.
* Mexicans carry a knife.
* Haitians know voodoo.
* White man can’t jump.

I am expected to be the athlete and not the student.

Who knows where these stereotypes come from? I am willing to bet they came from a lack of understanding or proliferation of intolerance. Characterization is prevalent in media, which often highlights the most extreme cases. Hence, characterizations are often caricatures.

I recently saw a movie where that was the case. Crash was a mosaic of social caricatures, which seemed to miss the reality of respective situations for sake of sensationalism. I found it a lot less easy to swallow in comparison to movies such as Higher Learning or Do the Right Thing. Do the right thing purposely HAD caricatures and was easier to relate than crash…

I think I will watch a Spike Lee movie… I never saw Bamboozled…

When I was younger, my family befell a small windfall of money and we were able to finance a home to own. We moved to a rancher style home in a neighborhood that was victim to urban sprawl from one of the most crime-infested areas in the United States. I learned what racism was when the white folks moved away and the black folks moved in. At one point, there were only two white families in my neighborhood… Well one family was Italian. Anyhow, these two families managed to forge real close friendships between them. I now recognize the strength in their unity. I had nothing against them. In fact, I am glad that they stayed. One family's son managed to even date the other family's daughter. That white boy was the fastest dude I knew! Plus, he was my friend too. I didn't stay there for long... I then moved to Florida, where racism is still alive and well.

I attended a school in 1988 that wasn’t desegregated until 1978. I moved to a neighborhood that was definitely segregated by the boundaries of a railroad track. The school was less than 10 percent black and the black kids stuck together… I then went to a Historically Black College or University in the state of Florida. I then realized that racism and racial stereotypes were everywhere and people used them to their advantage as well…

I am not attempting to give a history of racism. I am just reflecting on how I discovered racism at the same time that I was discovering myself. When I take into account my placement in society in a reflective manner, it serves my best interest to include the fact that I am a black man. Otherwise, I will be reminded by the cruel world…

When I cross those railroad tracks, I have to have my game face on. I find that it serves me best to congregate with those who visit my temple of familiar... It is not because I want to be either. It is because, I know, when the sun goes down, on what side of the tracks I need to be.

I use these words

2005-12-26T10:18:00.000-06:00

These words were meant to be profane; these are words that symbolize the feelings of man and are ubiquitous in our society. The feeling of malcontent and dissatisfaction found in one another is sometimes easiest expressed in profane vocabulary. When one uses profanity, they use it in order to share their feelings as well as evoke emotions from others. These words can be related to human excrement, be racial epithets or even sexually derogatory. Yet and still, I use these words.

These words, as simple as they may be, retain power and flexibility of use. These words, sometimes four letter words, are taboo and their usage frowned upon in society. Be careful how you use these words. These words are powerful and power can be a dangerous thing. Be careful who you subject to the relative description that is implied by these words. One wouldn't want the minds of the youth corrupted by such vulgarity. I admit I use profanity. I cuss. I swear. I use all seven words that you can’t say on television and then some. I’ve been referred to by a few profane phrases in my time as well. I can’t say that I liked the way that these words made me feel. These words were meant to offend. These words were meant to bring down a persons soul. These words convey shock or pain or grief.Yet and still, I use these words.

These words, when they are uttered, are uttered with strong conviction. If you really want to be vulgar, here’s some profanity to share: tell someone that you love him or her. The profane treatment and oppressive nature that is held for items that are loved is then transferred to the item of your affection. Yeah, love is a trap. Better yet, it is sacrifice. What are you willing to sacrifice in the name of love? Tell someone you love them; those are fighting words. Yet and still, I use these words.

Indifference is the easiest way not to argue.

what a headline!

2005-12-22T16:24:00.000-06:00

New Moons and Rings Found at Uranus

what a headline!
what a pun!
what a geek i am...
i am so juvenile.
oops.
i will make a blog mad lib next.
remember your youth.
the holidays are here.

cogito ergo i am stupiderest

2005-12-20T13:13:00.000-06:00

Bear with me as i grow more stupider and stupidest.
i am about to abandon my computer, as well as all logical reasoning...

i enjoy visiting a blog named fark.
this blog is a black hole of internet subculture.
i love it.
i have learned so much about internet subculture that i never knew.
plus i get entertained by the news (weird) at times....
hell, i didn't even know what a blog was until september 2004!
anyhow fark has exposed me to the following internet subculture icons:
O RLY, Owned, STFU, YTMND
Andy Milonakis
Henry Earl
Dancing Banana
Happy Tree Friends
Icy Hot Stuntaz
domokun

one of the weirdest things i have heard of though is the flying spaghetti monster.
If you never heard of the flying spaghetti monster, it may insult your intelligence.
i encourage you to be stupiderest for a minute and check it out.

i really find it interesting how the flying spaghetti monste r is related to the concept of intelligent design, which is legitamately being considered as a scientific persprective of the origin of man.

i do not know enough about this new science to really have an opinion yet.
i learn more and more from the internet.
i learn to be stupiderest more and more as well.
perhaps:
the internet is a parallel universe.
it destroys all old knowledge and creates new knowledge simultaneously.
the GOD of the internet is the flying spagetti monster.
his disciple is maddox.
the holy spirit is the blogosphere...
the "good word" is spread by google.
firefox is the "bible".
you pay your offerings through paypal.
heathens get banned by their ISP.
free porn is evil.
i am done being stupid for now.
i am trying to copy 2 hour DVDs in 8 hours or less.
maybe i am not done being stupid yet.

wikipedia needs you, the internet GOD has spoken.
everytime you masturbate the flying spaghetti monster kills a kitten.
why not?
can't let domokun have all the fun!

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

2005-12-17T21:05:00.000-06:00

i woke this morning.

i was full of piss and vinegar.

i needed to run.

i got dressed.

i looked outside.

i saw that it was snowing.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i read a little.

i wrote a little.

i thought a little.

i grew impatient.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i thought of how fat i was.

i thought about my next meal.

i thought of how restless i was.

i thought of going back to sleep.

i thought of my need to get somewhere where i wasn't.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i waited until dark.

i dressed in all black.

i clothed in the perfect backdrop against the purity of the white snow.

i walked out to the unplowed street.

i ran straight down the middle.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i reflected energy from shiny reflective part of my shoes.

i reflected energy from the shiny reflective belt i wore.

i reflected energy from the shiny reflective white wire of my mp3 player headphones.

i reflected energy from shiny reflective teeth in my smile as i gritted my teeth in the wind.

i let cars pass, heading towards me.

i glared at them through dark sunglasses.

i know they couldn't see my eyes.

i wondered what they were thinking.

i imagined what they thought.

-he is crazy for running in the snow.

-he is crazy for running in the middle of the road.

-he is crazy for wearing sunglasses at night.

-he is better than me.

-maybe i am crazy.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i felt the snow slip under my feet.

i arched my toes for better grip

i felt the snow settle on my shoulders

i ran faster to let the snow melt

i inhaled snow.

i wondered how many snowflakes will make a grown man drown.

i multiplied how many snowflakes in a tear.

i added how many snowflakes will i sweat.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i thought of my daughter.

i ran.

i thought of my friend.

i ran faster.

i thought of that little haitian girl.

i sprinted.

i thought of my battle buddy that lost a limb in the war.

i couldn't feel my legs.

i remembered so many limbs.

i ran until i broke my limbs off in the snow.

i wanted to cross the finish line after wearing my legs down like wooden pegs on a sandpaper treadmill.

i spat.

i blew my nose on my hand.

i had no contempt for the world.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

i didn't curse when mp3 player quit working.

i never wondered why traffic didn't approach from the rear.

i didn't stop when my glasses fogged so that i could no longer see the path.

i outran the world.

i reached the finish line.

i stopped running.

i saw it stopped snowing.

i can't wait to run again.

i am so selfish.

i couldn't wait for it to stop snowing.

What do you look like?

2005-12-17T12:00:00.000-06:00

What do you look like?

Are your looks really important?

Will you succeed or fail based on what you look like.

Is the way you are seen overly important to you?

Has anyone ever described you by an adjective that belittles the way you look?

Does your character supersede your appearance?

I have long had an issue with the balance between the narcissism in MY behaviors and the desire to look for more in ANOTHER person’s quality than their looks. I mostly desire to look good for reasons of self-esteem; I also desire to look good because society smiles upon those who look best. In life, I want to achieve. I need the abs of 2pac. I need the chest of Schwarzenegger. I need the smile of Denzel. I need to look successful. If I told you that I have gold teeth, would that give my words the value of baser metals?

I am a black man. I don’t want anyone to misunderstand. Do I think that being black has affected my position in society? Do I think being black has affected my mating choices? Do I think that being black has influenced what others think of me? Yes, yes, and yes. I am proud to be black by all means, but, the main reason that I am that way is because, someone somewhere loathes his or her skin color.

I am the reason you cross the street, while clutching your purse, though I never robbed anyone.

I am the reason that white man can’t jump, though I suck at basketball.

I wish I was the reason that black is beautiful.

I am not skinny by all means. I am shaped more like a cork than most. That doesn’t stop me from doing pushups, sit-ups, or running around the block. I eat the type of foods that would lend for me to be thin for the most part (fuck the Atkins diet). What I really hate is for people to have issues with those who are heavier but have no issues with those who are rail thin. I mean, what is so attractive about a person who is as thin as a pencil? I admit, I like my women to be robust and full. Does that mean that I have a fat girl fetish? If you think so, you are wrong on so many levels. You think fat is unhealthy? I think starving is unhealthy; in fact, being hungry is the worst feeling in the world to me. I would never wish it on anyone. The truth is, I come from a lineage of folks that have similar body types. I must constantly rebuke my genetics and be thin at all cost. Is there any other way?

Are you a tasty dish?

Are you “finger- licking good?” Those who dine well dine with there eyes first. Ask any chef that desires to serve a tasty dish. The appearance is often more important than the looks. One cannot look at the flavor of a given dish until it has been tasted. Give life a taste.

the following tastes are responsible for this flavor:

Michael jackson

Bougie black boy on image

Jaimie on image

Notes from a different kitchen on image

Dvalin darksdale on racism

haitian girl

something i feel...

2005-12-16T12:30:00.000-06:00

All the world knows beauty

But if that becomes beautiful

This becomes ugly

All the world knows good

But if that becomes good

This becomes bad

The coexistence of have and have not

The co-production of hard and easy

The correlation of long and short

The codependence of high and low

The correspondence of note and noise

The coordination of first and last

Is endless

Thus the sage performs effortless deeds

And teaches wordless lessons

He doesn’t start all the things he begins

He doesn’t presume on what he does

He doesn’t claim what he achieves

And because he makes no claim

He suffers no loss

translation of Lao Tzu, "Tao Te Ching"
II

compromise

2005-12-16T10:58:00.000-06:00

i have never really been successful with women
and it is pretty obvious why.
i don't really give a fuck.
over the course of time,
i have devised some rules to getting to know women.
okay men,
here it is.
these are the rules.
if you want to be successful with women,
you must:

compromise.
have a big dick.
be willing to use big dick immediately when needed.
know when the big dick is needed.
break backs with said dick.
use little dick like it was big anyway.
have life experience and accumulation of possessions.
not be old.
have nothing better to do.
be willing to do all of the work in bed.
be spontaneous, but double check first.
kiss.
give compliments no matter what.
hold the purse in public.
take control.
remember you are not the boss.
be neat and orderly.
have no personal habits.
tolerate others personal habits.
pay for dinner.
pay period (don't be a cheap bastard).
tell the truth or complimentary lies. ( lies are only discovered false truths anyway.)
not ask for shit.
abandon your inner thoughts.
trust her lying ass.
tell the truth with your lying ass.
love your momma but don't be a mamma's boy.
never look at another woman if you have one.
put the toilet seat down.
drive.
remember what you said. it will be used against you.
answer the phone.
have no hobbies.
dance better than you fuck.
fuck better than you dance.
love drama.
be strong.
be gentle. ( i would say don't be violent, but that's another list.)
be a father figure.
be friends with all of her friends.
have no friends of your own.
stay out of the club, especially the strip club.
eat the pussy.
be available at all times.
stop being a bitch.
get the introductory pronoun right.
get the name right, period.
compromise
have a big dick.

that's pretty easy, huh.
that's why i have no woman.
i refuse to compromise on a lot of that shit.
i am cool with being solo.
c'est la vie, and i am loving it.
i wonder what my view would be
if i was a seahorse.

the recipe

2005-12-14T14:22:00.002-06:00

how funny it is
this world that we live in.
we often wander about,
bumping into others,
giving little thought to
the influence that we impose on others.

each of us is the sun of our own solar system.
each of us is the mitochondria of our own cell.
each of us is the nucleus of our own atom.

everytime that one comes in contact with another person
an impression is deposited.
an influence is withdrawn.
that is,
unless you are inert.

we have a strange influence on each other in this life.
one can influnce positively.
one can influence negatively.
one can be a virus or a vitamin.

for example:
for a long time in my life
i felt guilty for the people in my life that i influenced
to smoke marijuana.
i enjoyed smoking pot and i always
extolled its benefits of enjoyment among my peers.
i puffed.
i passed.
i regretted.
never did anything positive ever come from
my sharing of herb with my friends.
some of my friends are doing seriously hard drugs now.
unless you consider hitting rock bottom a benefit,
i have caused more harm than good.
i was a virus.

another example:
for a long time in my life
i felt redemption for the people in my life that i influenced
to quit smoking tobacco.
i enjoyed smoking cigarettes, cigars, and tobacco pipes
and i always extolled its benefits of enjoyment
among my peers.
i puffed.
i passed.
i quit.
never did anything negative ever come from
influencing my friends to quit smoking.
some of my friends have influenced others to quit as well.
we are all stronger and faster and smell much better,
and that is the shit.
i was a vitamin.

both examples were in my lifetime.
both were on different legnths of my biorhythm.
a biorhythm can be compared to ripples
left when a rock skips across the pond.

my mother used to tell me
that there are people that come in
and out of your life all of time.
they all will serve a purpose...

what i used to tell you:
life is a batch of cookies.
the people you meet will be an ingredient,
in the cookie recipe that you call life.
sometimes you have to add ingredients.
sometimes you have to remove ingredients.
remember what ingredients work.
remember what ingredients don't work.
remember you recipe, period.
never stop baking.
you may have to make another type of cookie all together.
you may not recognize the importance of
salt or baking soda
but just because they aren't tasty ingredients solo
they are important to the overall quality;
they still make the cookies good.

aint nothing like some milk
milk goes pretty well with cookies.
i used to drink milk.
milk does the body good,
or so they say.
builds strong bones
and all that jazz...
i am lactose intolerant.
milk also aggravates my allergies.
sometimes things in you life just have to go.

this post is inspired by the follwing ingredients:

Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias - To all the girls i've loved before

Alli's Soliloquy, "Good or Bad Ripples"

fortune cookies

MY KINGDOM, "King of Bloggers..."

Anonymous commenter, "to be a veteran."

and of course,

Tyler Durden

are we there yet?

2005-12-12T19:36:00.000-06:00

I've had an epihany
or some could say a moment in clarity.

I tried not to think of the words "searing" or "flesh." I imagined my pain as a ball of healing white light. - fight club

fight club is relatively new to my existance, so my relative infatuation with the media is strange to me.
after my last post, i recognized the concept from the media and...

JACK
I... I think I understand. I think I get it...

TYLER
No, what you're feeling is premature enlightenment.

Tyler SLAPS Jack's face, regaining his attention...

TYLER
This is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere, missing it.

JACK
No, I'm not...

-fight club

i can only describe the way i feel
by the following words:

Amazing grace!
(how sweet the sound)
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost,
but now am found,
Was blind,
but now
I see.

iu don't mean this in a religious manner either.
hell, i don't even know the religious parts of the song.
all i know,
is
i
feel
some
kind
of
way.

i think i have arrived.
it's about motherfucking time too!

6

2005-12-12T14:52:00.002-06:00

i am inspired by a moment of reflection.
i am inspired by a "poetic" misnomer caste by an observer.
i am inspired by the thoughts that i see in someone else.

a multiple of three...
enveloped by five...
separated by seven...
i present 6.

i remember this time of my life like it was yesterday.
the good old rock bottom days.
enter series of haikus.

tears of sadness flow
searing flesh, burning dark souls
pain is how we grow

life begins with love
torture is the heart of man
death is no exit

will the meek be loved?
is righteoousness a reward?
is heaven lonely?

speak not wit your mouth
the soul is multilingual
GOD hears the sincere

answer my prayers lord
pain is reserved for the loved
i hear jesus wept

i cry in the dark
must my soul be afflicted
tears release pain

why am i a bad blogger

2005-12-08T18:09:00.000-06:00

why?
am i a bad blogger?
why am i a bad blogger.

i just learned what a blog was after my first tour in iraq.
it has totally changed the way i view the internet.
i was told that would happen beforehand.
i expected it.

i learned of what a blog was from someine who's blog address i inadvertantly discovered through browsing the net, probably looking for pics of naked women. i discovered a site that linked several peoples blogs together. one blog took me by suprise...

this blog was raw in essence.
it captured a view of a person that i had never been exposed to.
it was like looking into a persons eyes
and not seeing their thoughts
but
their soul.
this blog represented a person who was a work in progress
striving for the essense of perfection
while recognizing the flaws of humanity.
this blog represented the internal struggle
of moral presence and
the desire to live in extravagance and decadance.
this blog was for the sexy grown folks.
i was hooked.
i responded to the blog:
how do you bear your soul
without being embarrased.
she responded:
something along the effects,
do you, fuck the world...

i was hooked on this blog.
i read it everyday.
when i was at work
i couldn't stop thinking of this blog.
its essence made me masturbate.
it was nudity with no shame.
it was farting in a crowded elevator.
it was accepted public indecency.
it was cussing your boss out.
it was what i wanted to be.

i started writing my own blog then.
as most virgins
the biggest problem i had,
was
am i doing it right?
i thought there was no right way.
do you, fuck the world...

i did.
i wrote as if no one was looking.
i wrote if no one else existed.
i looked at my creation.
it was good.

i desired for someone,
anyone,
everyone,
give my existance validity!
look what i done did!
isn't it pretty!
then i realized,
the mona lisa really has a busted ass grill.
it is cool to smile in the mirror
with sincerity
even if you have spinach in your teeth.
the second someone else sees it....
that's the end of,
do you, fuck the world...

this has to get better.

being intimate
sharing your soul
is easier with stangers than friends.
at this point,
the virgin recognizes to cover herself with a fig leaf.

then i realized that people will respond
in ways
that embarrass me
more than i embarrass myself.
it's almost like whipping out your dick
for an evening of intimacy
to get greeted with a chuckle.
you wish you didn't whip it out...
but
at the same time you want to prove its might!
intimate blogging is not a contest.
what do i know?

i started surfing blogs more...
especially the blogs of those with similar interests
or those who responded to my blog.
i recognized that there are rules and etiquette
and styles
to how you should blog.
people do things like:
blog tag
post pictures
cross link
respond to individual posts
form networks
memes (which i dont know what that is yet)
lists
surveys
videos
commentary
critique
i then realized that blogging is a wonderful thing.
blogging is a diverse thing.
i will never blog correctly.
i wish i couldjust scream,
do you, fuck the world...

i want everyone to look at me
give me validity
tell me i am worthy of something.
but it is hard to look at ones self at times.
even if you already believe you are the shit.
i am not good at being pretentious.

what i do know is:
people may read your blog and know you better.
some things you dont want to reveal to all people.
i refuse to edit or proofread this post.
it really is for my audience of one.
blackcaesar,
do you, fuck the world...

what would tyler durden do (WWTDD)?

2005-12-07T08:06:00.000-06:00

life is stranger than fiction.
life is fiction.
who died and made you the one to determine...
well,
how about a long blog for the short attention spanned.
LoL.

looking over the last group of my postings,
i recognize an ongoing theme.
alcohol is an issue in my environment
and
I like the movie, "fight club".
tonight,
they meet.
You know, fight club was conceived in the parking lot of the bar.
she was born in the same basement.
(words in italics are quotes from the movie... except these words here)

the only difference is,
i am not blackcaesar...
i am jack.
in fact,
I am jack's white knuckles.

scene: sitting at a seedy bar....
several guys sitting on stools
the jukebox plays an unknown stevie ray vaughn song.
one guy scrawls desperately onto a notebook...

(Tyler Durden leans over guy's shoulder, looking onto his notebook, squinting, then laughs)
jack: what’s so fucking funny?
TD: Where would Jesus be if no one had written the gospels?
jack: do you always quote movies?
TD: only fight club. only here...
narrator: what?
TD: The first rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club.
The second rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club.
You don't say anything because fight club exists only in the hours between when fight club starts and when fight club ends.
... that's the third rule of fight club....
jack: i know the fucking rules! STFU! do you know netspeak? then we're even....
(holding up money, signaling the bartender) Thank you, sir, may I have another!
Thank you sir, may I have another... !
the night goes on like that for what seems forever. i drink tequila until my insides rebel. i drink shot after shot after shot. single servings. everything in my life is single serving. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends. i don't need no one as long as i have a drink. i need another single serving of tequila. i think i'm dying.
jack: [reading] I am Jack's colon.
Tyler Durden: I get cancer, I kill Jack.
i look at my tequila
jack: (talking to the tequila)you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met...

scene: jack's work desk, the next day. jack sits.

(jack's voice over)
today, i went to work.
my boss comes in.
he says, your subordinate went to jail for illegal alcohol possession.
he must be punished.
jack: what did he do?
boss: check the report (hands me report)
i'm thinking...
it reads, ... got caught possessing alcohol while being underage. hmmm. is this serious? no! not really... fuck it in fact. let him drink until his pores ooze ethanol for all i care. fucking soldiers drink. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. it broke the rules. what the fuck!?!? i hate it when the rules get broken. i was angry. in wanted to strangle that guy. I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke. i am angry at my boss as well. bitch. i give him back the paper.

boss: Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
jack: [pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that... is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
jack: [Talking slowly] And this ... psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
jack: [Voice-over] Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.
[Snatches the piece of paper from boss' hands]
jack: [Voice-over] And I used to be such a nice guy.
I am Jack's broken heart.
jack: Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss. Besides, I'm enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style-behavior. Spider chrysanthemums. The Diamon Sutra and the Blue Cliff Record. Hari Rama, you know, Krishna, Krishna. You know, Enlightened.

anyhow... i don't know what to make of it
so i do what i do when i need to think....
I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more. thats what i like about my job. running is in the job desription. that is all the therapy a man needs. you get on the track. you get on the road. you run til you think you are going to die, then take one more step. you lose yourself. It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. that is the path to truth.

the answer has yet to come. i ponder saving this young man from hitting rock bottom and destroying his life for the pursuit of alcohol. it was a mistake. once in a lifetime.i think a minute of perfection is worth the effort. A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection.
who am i to say how a guy should improve? i am not perfect. Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction.." [might be the answer] besides i drink too.

i pull out my cell phone.
everyone has a fucking cell phone.
they are the microchips of society
tracking your every movement
at every moment
we look into the camera phone
and smile for big brother
while some virgin number cruncher
compiles a six degrees of separation
to every woman
that you ever gave a dirty sanchez...
i dial Tyler’s phone number.

If you asked me now,
I couldn't tell you
why I called him.

It
RINGS...
and RINGS
and RINGS.
Jack sighs and hangs up the
phone.
A moment, then the phone RINGS.
JACK: Hello?
TYLER'S VOICE: Who's this?
JACK: Tyler?
TYLER'S VOICE: Who's this?
JACK: Uh... I'm sorry.
I'm... you know, the clever guy.
TYLER'S VOICE
Oh, yeah.
JACK
I just called a second ago. There
was no answer. I'm at a payphone.
TYLER'S VOICE
I star-sixty-nined you. I never pick
up my phone. What's up?
JACK
Well... let me see... here's the
thing...

I tell him about the guy at work and the boss and all of that…
everything that has happened to me all day. i needed someone to talk to.
see, when i talk to someone i go into conversation drama mode.
i just want to hear myself speak and need the validity of a listener. in this mode,
i am overdramatic as if the world revolves around me. i am the nucleus. nothing revolves without me pulling it together. for life to go on for anyone, i must exist.
When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just...
TD: - instead of just waiting for their turn to speak? i do it and i hate when people do it to me.
tyler asks: what would you wish you'd done before you died?
You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
jack: i would have wanted to create the worlds best hip hop album. and album that is a complete representation of myself that is easy to undersatnd and wide recieved and enjoyable. i want the context of my songs to stand the test of time... if i died right now. i would have felt that i done pretty much all that i wanted to do almost. i never chased women the way that i feel i should have. i feel as if i would have missed an opportunity to be a truly sexual being, and i longed for a non shallow relationship with a woman who i was attracted to in a shallow fashion.
Tyler: Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
jack: i thought you were going to say something about being a self sacrifice.... about living your own life... about seizing the motherfucking day! i remember what you did to raymond Kessel! I want my fucking breakast to taste like angelic vaginal fluid! this is such a fucking rip off! why can't that be me?!?! i wanna be raymond kessel! i always am robert paulsen!
TD:I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behid his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.
jack: fuck you very much, tyler. when i see you again, imma fuck you up.

i've come to the conclusion:
alcohol is-
the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.

and no i have not seen the movie more than 5 times...

People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

2005-12-06T08:24:00.000-06:00

Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?
You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?

imperfection

2005-12-05T05:12:00.000-06:00

i feel sick.
maybe not sick,
but uncomfortable...
my position in life is less than favorable,
but,
the determination of what is favorable is relative....

there is a perfect someone
for everyone
somewhere-
is what i have always been lead to believe....
how can perfection be found in someone and it be reciprocal?
are you satisfied with less than perfect?
do you demand perfection from others?
are you perfect yourself?
to settle for a relationship between imperfect people
is no way to strive for perfection;
unless there are perfect levels of imperfection.

the leaning tower of pisa
the parthenon
those leaning heads at easter island...
all imperfect.

i always think that it is not supposed to be this way.
what if it is?

i dont even want to be perfect.
there is character in my flaws.
is being comfortable with myself
selling myself short?

i ran 3 miles this morning
@ 16 degrees farenheit.
between the burn of the run
and
the cold of the environment,
i felt comfort in the torture of life...

maybe this is how it is supposed to be.
tomorrow i will be faster
tomorrow i will be stronger
tomorrow will i be more perfect?
tomorrow is today according to yesterday.

one month of fortune cookies

2005-12-03T10:26:00.003-06:00

i lost one fortune cookie but here go the other three:

in love, you could shine as brilliant as a star.
dare to dream, hope, believe, seek, feel, find, and love.
a leader is a person that you will follow to a place you wouldn't go by yourself.

have you ever done something that was personnaly fulfilling, leaving you with a sense of satisfaction, only to have someone tell you that your work was subpar?

what i learned on vacation....

2005-11-27T20:28:00.000-06:00

i have just come from vacation.
i drove 3000 miles,
across the continent,
solo.
driving that much gives one time to think.
this is what i learned:

i am more shallow than i'd like to admit.
america is beautiful.
i really like cadillacs.
kids grow fast.
i can gauge distance by how many songs have played on my ipod.
clean your home before you leave.
some people drink way too much.
the mountains of west virginia are beautiful in the snow.
it is best to share the road.
how children are raised is always debated.
i have outgrown my mothers cooking.
if you do something wrong and you recognize, don't repeat it.
i hate the police for no particular reason.
lady saw "strip tease" reminds me of my daughter's mother.
i am a man of principals.
i need to loose some weight.
i like my mp3 compatible cd changer better than FM receiver ipod
i need to learn to swallow my pride.
i am getting old.
upstate new york has beautiful farmland...
it is best to do what will improve the quality of your life.
there are a lot of pretty women in colombus, ohio.
expectation is different from actuality.
my grandmother had a shopping addiction.
a good mate is hard for me to find because my character is unique.
italian/ Mediterranean food is my favorite.
everyone exists in the center of their own universe.
i have repressed my sexuality in the name of morality.
i have too many shoes.
receiving gifts has become difficult to me.
having a glass of wine with some folks is fine.
i miss my daughter.
bread is good.
goodbye is difficult.
i have grown used to being alone.
eating most meat is overrated.
my grandfather had a gambling addiction.
big bridges are awesome...Especially the view.
Pennsylvania has shitty roads, poor drivers, and too many tolls.
the dipset movement makes me nauseous, their music sucks badly...
i am a poor musician but i really like my music.
blaxploitation music was made for cadillacs.

i need a drink

2005-11-25T21:18:00.000-06:00

well,
my thanksgiving dinner erupted into a drunken maylay.
my relatives got dronk and anted to fight.
they were fighting for no reason even.
i am a mellow drunk.
in relation i am a moderate drunk as well.
i am no wine snob,
i drink wine from a box.
i drink a tequila shot of patron
or a house margarita...
the difference is,
i drink responsibly,
in my opinion.
i do not drink solely for the purpose
of getting beyond my reasoning...
i will never drive intoxicated.
i will never let drinking get in the way
of my duties in life...
is that the precursor towards quitting?
drinking isolates me.
i never drink in public, 'cause i can't drive....
yet, i don't like to babysit unruly drunks.
ohh well,
i need a drink.

to be a veteran.

2005-11-11T08:50:00.000-06:00

this a picture of me right before i deployed to iraq. my uniform was so clean!!! i had no idea what to expect when i went to war. i was open minded. i imagined that going to war, i would see what man would do in light of the relative mortality of man. i concluded the obvious. war is hell. in the descent to hell and its relative environments, the savage nature of man can no longer be hidden beneath a veil of civilized behavior. the animalistic instincts of man come to surface, and basic instincts prevail.

to be a soldier is to not be a polititian. to debate the politics that keep me in a time of peace or a time of war may interfere with wy internal debate to kill or be killed, which i must focus on... that does not mean that i am not aware of the relative victories and transgressions of policy and decision makers. i still vote.

to be a soldier is to be a philosopher. the balance between life and death is intertwined in every action that a soldier performs. for a soldier, life or death is not theoretical, it is actual. when one is faced with the prospect of wielding such power, questions such as " why am i here?" or "what is the meaning of life?" are actually not theoretical anymore; they are actual. Questions like, "is it better to loved or feared?" are everyday conflicts when one lives a life where relative discipline will directly reflect life or death of you and your brothers in arms.

to be a soldier is to be a psychologist. you always have to try to determine the mindset of everyone around you. anyone can need psychological support or defense from psychotic actions of others. suicide, homicide, fratricide, depression, anxiety, fear, love, hatred, animosity, remorse, disgust, thankfulness, and relief, can occupy your mind all at the same time. the mind is a tangle similar to spaghetti noodles on a plate. to be a soldier is to keep you noodles on the plate.

soldiers die. i wish restful peace to the soldiers that have served by my side, that are no longer her to do the things that i took for advantage before i went to war. i will not call these soldiers by name, but will use the philosophy of one of my favorite movies, fight club, to declare my sentiment.
soldier's are often nameless.
through death, a soldiers name lives on...
if death has a name, i will call him robert paulsen.
Rest in Peace
Robert Paulsen.

this a picture of me and my comrade in arms: chaos and blackcaesar after returning from war.
in reflection on veterans day,
blackcaesar.

2005-11-11T08:28:00.000-06:00

How to make a blackcaesar

Ingredients:

3 parts friendliness

5 parts brilliance

5 parts joy

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Top it off with a sprinkle of curiosity and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

something i feel this morning...

2005-11-06T09:27:00.000-06:00

This is Your Life - The Dust Brothers featuring Tyler Durden

And you open the door and you step inside
Where inside our hearts

Now imagine that your pain is a white ball of healing light
That's right-your pain, the pain itself is a white ball of healing light

I don't think so

This is your life Good to the last drop
It doesn't get any better than this
This is your life and its ending one minute at a time

This isn't a seminar This isn't a weekend retreat
Where you are now You can't even imagine what the bottom will be like
Only after disaster can we be resurrected
Its only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything
Nothing is static Everything is evolving
Everything is falling apart

This is your life(4)
It doesn't get any better than this
This is your life(4)
And its ending one minute at a time

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else
We are all part of the same compost heap
We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world

You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet

You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grand latte
You are not the car you drive
You are not your fucking khakis

You have to give up
You have to give up
You have to realise that someday you will die
Until you know that, you are useless.

I say never let me be complete
I say may I never be content
I say deliver me from Swedish furniture
I say deliver me from clever art
I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth
I say you have to give up
I say evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

This is your life(4)
Doesn't get any better than this
This is your life(4)
And its ending one minute at a time

You have to give up
You have to give up
I want you to hit me as hard as you can(2)
Welcome to Fight Club
If this is your first night, you have to fight

my revolutionary beard

2005-11-01T17:58:00.000-06:00

this is a picture of my beard.
it is a nice beard.
there are many like it,
but this one is mine.
why is it that, not having a beard
is called, "clean shaven?"
why is having a beard considered dirty?
in my line of work,
the beard is forbidden.
i grew this beard on my last vacation.
i think that a distiguished gentleman
should wear a beard.

dick gregory wears a beard.
he a 60's comedian,
vegetarian,
civil rights activist,
a drum major for equal rights
and
nutritional consultant.
i bet, someone once told him
that his beard added 20 pounds
to his appearance.
he probably responded,
no.
that bucket of
kentucky fried chicken
adds 20 pounds to your appearance.
"power to the people!"

frederick douglass wore a beard.
he was an american abolitionist,
editor,
orator,
author,
reformer.
among his many debates
with booker t. washington,
i am sure that,
" i have a better beard than you"
was on the debating block as well.
he was born a slave.
upon eaning his freedom,
he grew a beard,
and shouted, "power to the people!"

fidel castro wears a beard.
his quintessntial mortal opposite
was the "clean cut", john kennedy.
the cuban missle crisis
was theoretically a shaving demand.
His beard was a direct reflection
of his revolutionary concepts
of western politics in relation
to a worldwide balance of power.
why do you think che guevara
wore his beard?
castro's beard is a symbol of his stregnth
as a leader
and clearly states, "power to the people!"

karl marx wore a beard.
karl marx revolutionized
how the world views
separations of class.
life is an eternal struggle
between the haves
and the have nots.
he definitely was talking about,
having facial hair (and lots of it!)
see, facial hair is superior.
his facial coif screams,
"power to the people!"

confucius wore a beard.
confucius say,
"is one who sides with
tenacious opinions a gentleman,
or is he merely putting on
a dignified appearance?"
i say,
confucius was talking about his beard.
my fortune cookie says,
"education is what survives
when what has been learned
has been forgotten."
i say, "power to the people!"

jesus wore a beard.
what
would
jesus
do?
perhaps he would say,
grow a beard.
"power to the people!"

driving is anger.

2005-10-27T07:10:00.000-06:00

driving is anger waiting to happen.
the world has been inundated with the sounds of driving.
call it noise pollution even.
listen.

when the door chimes when my door is ajar,
anger.
when trucks have back up beeps as a warning,
anger.
when someone's car stereo is louder than mine,
anger.
when the engine wont turn over,
anger.
when some one changes my music,
anger.
when i hear my brakes squeal,
anger.
when the police pull me over,
anger.
when my power steering grinds,
anger.
when someone's car alarm goes off,
anger.
when i skid to a stop,
anger.
when a fast car whizzes by,
anger.
when my car stereo stops working,
anger.
when someone gets out of the car,
walks 20 feet,
turns around,
just to press the automatic door lock button,
anger.
above all,
i feel the most intense anger,
when people blow their horn.

can you shut up and drive?
impossible...
oops,
here i go,
talking to the damn car again.
anger.

who is phil?

2005-10-25T04:23:00.000-06:00

who is phil?
when i was in iraq, there was this guy named "phil", whom we soldiers had come to know and value. phil was the type of guy that in america we'd call a hustler. not that he was one to hustle you for your your money, but he definitelty hustled for the money.when we soldiers first got to iraq, we couldn't go out and openly barter for the things that we could acquire freely in the united states. Soldiers were desperate to get there hands on the three (4) things that kill most americans, tobacco, soft drinks, and fast food (phil never sold alcohol as far as i know). anyhow, phil had the hook-up and a desire to earn some money from us americans, controversial as it may seem. to understand phil, one needs to understand the climate of the region to which we were intertwined. before the iraqi invasion, phil was already a businessman; he owned a ice cream shoppe/ sandwich shoppe. after the coalition led, invasion of iraq, the value of the iraqi money had diminished to be virtually worthless. there was stable american money to be earned from american soldiers, however. to possess american currency, as an iraqi business man is at conflict. one one hand, to take money from an american soldier is to side with the enemy in the eyes of anti coalition forces, which are seemingly ubiquitous in iraq. on the other hand, to not take the money would be to not put food in the mouths of your children.nonetheless, we american soldiers always parted with are hard earned money at "phils". Some american soldiers disliked phil's operation since he was the ethnicity of the combatant forces that we faced on a daily basis. rumors about phil's allegience and security ran ranpant. it was even rumored that the money that we spent at phil's was used to buy the very weapons that were used against us.

phil was a flexible merchant. he was the type of guy who you could be like, i need "a case of cigars" and he would tell you how much it would cost and he would deliver. his restaurant consisted mainly of a grill, a spit, a table a refrigerator,and a cash register. there also was a bodega where cases of soda, tobacco, bootleg dvds, and foriegn chocolate could be acessesed. phil would takt the money that we traded for products and travel to the metropolis where he reupped. lets, just say this: phil sold case's of soda for 10 dollars, he paid about a dollar for them. he was iraqi rich!!! with material wealth comes jealousy. needless to say, phil remained strapped when not dealing with soldiers. when you carry as much money as phil had, someone is bound to want to take it away.

get you a schwarma
i always went to phil's to get a sandwich. we soldiers soon grow tired over the available rations that we receive and yearn for the comforts of home, such as the ability to choose what we have for lunch. there was a sandwich that attracted me to go to phil's bodega specifically. that sanwhich was defined as the schwarma. there are very different ways to get a schwarma. phil served his on a long torpedo roll. the filling was one of either spit rosted beef ,chicken or lamb. ip referred to spit roasted lamb, but rumors circulating, speculating the origin of said lamb prompted phil to stop serving the lamb. i then chose chicken out of default. the chicken breasts were piled high on a spit and slow roasted with an onion topping the meat for flavor. the chicken of the region is definitely more gamey and not atypical of poultry found in the United States.
why free trade is good.
a schwarma recipe cane be fund here.

why do i mention this?
well, phil is dead.
phil was murdered while resupplying his shoppe.
his family was kidnapped.
his son was killed as well.
they were killed because they believed in some of the things that americans take for granted everyday.
things such as:
free market economy
democracy
freedom of choice
fast food.

in my eyes phil was more revolutionary than ray kroc, the founder of mcdonalds.
a big mac never made me feel as free as eating a schwarma.

i must be high, to root for ricky williams.

2005-10-24T15:03:00.000-06:00

true, ricky williams is a professional football player in the NFL. He plays a game that many young kids dream of doing professionally when they reach adulthood. when he enters the arena, people scream his name, cheering fanatically. the people that cheer for ricky williams cheer for various reasons. some people root for the man because they want marijuana legalized. some people root for him because they want to see a grand show (after all, they are paying). some people are even legitimate fans of his team. i root for ricky williams success on the field because i identify with his struggle, a struggle which most times is undefined. in my opinion, mr. williams was on a search for the answers that satisfies ones soul and gives them validity to continue the desperate struggle commonly called life. sure, that validity can be found for some in overwhelming public or private success, or through the accumulation of some godforsaken measurable amount of wealth, both of which mr. williams has received. he has set records and achieved personal accomplishments that anyone could be proud of. what is it that should truly make him happy, or give him the will to thrive?i think mr. williams was looking for self-fulfillment by satisfaction of placement in relation to his true destiny. in order to get there, one must do a reverse itinerary and identify where the true destiny lies.

sometimes i think it is the search that keeps us willing to thrive. the best thing you can give a man who has everything is a wish list. when everything that you could ever want is at your beck and whim, what is there to reach for? the unfamiliar is truly amazing, yet, the more i discover, the less i wish i was exposed to. when i make it to eldorado, i will probably catch the first midnight train to georgia...

My funeral

2005-10-08T09:26:00.000-06:00

I ask you this question: how do you want to be remembered? Keep in mind, the question is NOT how would you choose to die or what do want your legacy to consist of. I am asking, what type of memorial do you desire? Personally, I hope that when I die that I am offered a funeral of some sort.

What type of funeral?

Before the hurricane Katrina blasted through, I used to want a New Orleans Funeral. If you’ve never witnessed a New Orleans funeral procession, there is one famously enshrined in the James Bond movie Live and Let Die. The funeral cortege parades through the streets of NOLA with lots of live jazz music and dancing. It is a procession that is mildly somber, but a celebration nonetheless. When I leave, I want to shout, “it’s a celebration bitches!!!”

Then again, it would be interesting to be the guest of honor at a “spread my ashes out to sea”. Though I am not much of an oceanic person, I have lived near the Atlantic Ocean coastline and can point to many landmarks in my life and relate them to the water. Perhaps the best spot that I could think of would be at the rock pier (yes, a pier made of large rocks) that emerges into the jetty at Ponce de Leon inlet, near New Smyrna Beach, Florida. I would want someone close to me to just walk to the end of the pier and toss my remains as far as possible via football shaped urn. I’ll call it my final two-point conversion.

Being in the United States military and serving during wartime, I have become accustomed to associating death with the military funeral. There are several different types of military funeral and I’d most like the “field memorial, in which the song taps is played by alone bugler and a 21 gun salute. There would also be a photo of me at the alter along with a m16, combat boots and a set of dog tags, arranged in traditional form. I am not interested in the formal type of military funeral, complete with flag draped casket, unless I am to be buried at Arlington Cemetery. Then I want to be buried in my military dress uniform (class A’s).

I also would like to get one of those soon to be classic thug funerals. You know, the ones where everyone shows up wearing a tee shirt silk-screened with your image across the front. You know, the type of funeral that boasts real hood music. Some of the music I’d like played at my thug funeral would include:

Change Gon’ Come- Sam Cooke
So Hard too Say Good Bye- Boys II Men
Moment of Silence- Quan
Gansta Lean- DRS
Blackberry Molasses- Mista
Crossroads- Bone Thugs n Harmony-
P. Diddy- missing you

And yes, I want there to be some damn liquor poured…I don’t even care what kind it is.

I wouldn’t want a “dress in black” funeral at the local Baptist church…

Who would attend my funeral? The funeral isn’t intended for the deceased as it is intended for the survivors. Why would I care? I would hope that someone mourns me. I would hope that I left an impression on someone in my life. I foresee minimal attendance in my funeral. Hell, I might not even go…

Fascination of the non-believer/ believer relationship.

2005-10-07T08:11:00.000-06:00

Religion is a strange concept to most.

The concept of religion has always been at the forefront of my being.

When I was in the seventh grade, I used to play all day on Saturday, then go to church (Baptist) on Sunday and pray that my homework would be miraculously done when I got home. GOD performs miracles doesn’t he? Every time that I got home, my homework was undone. Perhaps, learning to believe in myself was the specific miracle to be performed. However, I never seemed to get definitive proof of the validity of importance of religion, so I discuss below some thoughts.

To believe in concepts that cannot be proven definitively, is the basis of most religions.
In my opinion, the term, "religious debate" is redundant.
Religion, for the most part, does no follow the fundamental tenets of science, which revolves around the scientific method, which is described below:

1. Observe some aspect of the universe.
2. Invent a tentative description, called a hypothesis, which is consistent with what you have observed.
3. Use the hypothesis to make predictions.
4. Test those predictions by experiments or further observations and modify the hypothesis in the light of your results.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until there are no discrepancies between theory and experiment and/or observation.

When I say, "for the most part, I mean, the 'religious process' is similar to the ‘scientific process’, up to part 4.5 in the ‘scientific process’. When the concept of 'modifying the hypothesis' is reached in the religious realm, religious folks tend to skip this step and go straight to, 'there are no discrepancies between theory and experiment and/or observation.’ which is malarkey. (wtf is malarkey?) As seasons change, so does the environment. Religious law will never be scientific law.

With that being said, I’d like to discuss the behavior of most non-religious folks. The non-religious often employs the scientific method to observe religious folks (step 1). Then the non-religious folks typically make predictions such as, 'religious folks should behave identically to their preconceived concepts of ideal of human behavior', which is usually a difficult status to obtain (step two). Non-religious folks expect the religious practitioners to be perfectly steadfast in their lifestyle and identity (step 3). In fact, the accomplishment of living the previous lifestyle is more of a quest than a destination. Non-religious folks seem to think that the religious should already be shining examples of their religious bedrock. That often is not the case. The truly religious strive to be improved, but that doesn't mean that they are better. This is where step 4 comes in; non- religious folks should modify what it is perceived to be religious. It is obvious that the most religious person is less than perfect. Why then, through constant observations of that phenomenon do the non- religious expect the religious to be perfect? that is implausible, and it is time for the non-religious to 'modify the hypothesis in the light of your results'.

rhetorical question to self

2005-10-04T19:17:00.000-06:00

what do i have to possess in order to be successful?
health?
education?
family?
honor?
money market accounts?
ambition?
wives?
eternal life?
cars?

religion?
time?
homes?
checking accounts?
religion?
stimulation?
friends?
morals?
security?
slaves?
happiness?
integrity?
followers?
toys?
acknowledgement?

solitude?
loyalty?
food?
bills?
freedom?
women?
respect?
enemies?

love?
employees?
luck?
neighbors?
conflict?
bonds?
more bedrooms?
jewelry?
tools?
relief?
answers?
duty?
oxygen?
discipline?
opportunity?
clothing?
muscles?
drugs?
sanity?
life?
savings accounts?
books?
shelter?
friends?
electronics?
peace?
stocks?
life?
possessions?
lists?
questions?

LIFE

2005-10-01T20:27:00.000-06:00

sure, i look good.
why do i feel hollow?
there are pieces missing.
will i find them tommorrow?
will external extravagance
be internal equivalent?
this life it be a marathon,
and i am up to finish it.
somebody tell me
if happiness is
a honorable ambition
'cause i got suspicions.
i'm hopin'/ wishin'
to renew subscriptions
to periodical that they call LIFE.

slaughterhouse 5

2005-09-28T07:01:00.000-06:00

i just got done reading slaughterhouse 5, by Kurt Vonnegut and i wanted to share my thoughts of what i read. keep in mind, i am no literary genius. i have a feeling most authors don't write for criticism anyway; they write for enjoyment of expression. still, i digress.

the book can be described as three different stories all united in the concept of time perception. as we perceive, the concept of time is basically arranged as numbers on a number line. the present time is marked as a zero on the number line, the future time is marked by positive numbers on a numberline and the past by negative numbers. now, we see time in linear progression; that is, one number at a time, in either direction on the number line starting from zero. imagine what it would be like to see all moments in time as one moment. that is what it would be like if we had control of perception into the forth dimension...

what could one gain from being able to see all points of time at once? could you imagine living your life not differentiating between birth and death or youth and old age? could the mind fathom that knowledge of the future is inevitable, unchangeable and forseeable at the same time? would it be enjoyable not to be able to just reminisce but actually live all moments in the past simultaneously? it seems to me, the concept of time moving in a forward motion, towards an inevitable destiny gives greater meaning to day to day activities, especially if the future remains unknown and the past to be selectively reveled. it would be akward to be able to focus all of your attention on one moment, for an extendd period of time, while other moments not only wait to happen, but have already happened. i'd be at my first birthday party for days, or at my first girlfriends house for weeks. hindsight would be 20/20, but what could you do about it? trough a known destiny, the future is unchangeable. if you were to die in a car crash, you could live that moment as long as you like. if you failed to kiss your significant other before you left the house, you cant go back and change that. what is the use of being able to see the past and the future and not be able to let that knowledge work for me?

i musta been smoking that good shit, huh?

Let's talk about time traveling,
rhyme javelin...
- Andre 3000

i could go on forever...

2005-09-27T04:18:00.000-06:00

if i de-sensitize my head
i could go on forever...

i could be an eternal champion in the bedroom,
but why?
the best part of sex comes at the end.

i once heard
if you put cocaine
on the head
of your penis
it makes sex awesome...
i.
just.
say.
no.

really,
why do i
desire to feel anything
to sense,
observe,
react?

if i de-sensitize my head
i could go on forever...

pfc. lynndie england
was insensitive.
don't point at my penis!
dont make me wear a leash!
okay.
but
this is the last time!~

all i need
baby girl
is a little bit.
not alot
baby girl
just a little bit.

ivan pavlov
is the definitive representatation
of the neccesity to be
de-sensitized.
you stimulate,
i respond.
i have no idea why i need this
stimulation.
can i live with out it?
ring the bell.
i salivate.

nowthatsfuckedup.com/ ogrish.com
are the epitome of insensitivity.
however
they have their stimulation levels high!
sex and violence
simultaneously
pollute my mind.
entertainment...

if i de-sensitize my head
i could go on forever...

from
duck hunt
to
grand theft auto san andreas
i go from
recreational hunting
to
beating hookers for fun.

all i need
baby girl
is a little bit.
not alot
baby girl
just a little bit.

life is so stimulating!
the best part of stimulation
comes at the end.

that wouldn't hurt
if you weren't
so
sensitive.

the little things

2005-09-25T12:34:00.000-06:00

i appreciate the little things in life more as i get older.
some things that i have appreciated as of late follow:
sleeping in my own bed
getting a personal letter
listening to my own playlist
pretty girls smiling at me
shitting in my own toilet
"undiscovered" old music thats better than the new
hearing from a long lost friend
witnessing the change of the seasons
making my own recipes
dancing in my living room
finishing a great novel
learning something new
getting some new shoes
laughing at myself

my sister's getting married, in hawaii, on the first of the month.
i sent her what i felt was a nice gift.
i am a love hater.
i hope she has found what she has been looking for.
she's gives the facade of one who like to be alone
but
i know better.
i would have loved to visit hawaii.
i have a couple of war buddies that live there.

funny,
i have war buddies.
i will have more
sooner than i would like.

satisfactory condition

2005-09-14T17:34:00.000-06:00

time for confession.
i have a fear of commitment.
okay, no i don't.
i have a fear of intimacy.
there you go.

i think my fear has been long developed from a desire to please most that i am in contact with. i do not desire to be a failure to anyone. i do not want to be a failure to myself.
how can one judge success anyhow?
can successes be self analyzed?
can success be measured in a vacuum?
i do not think so.
i think success has to be gauged against a failure,
whether actual or theoretical.
what i find funny is,
while one gauges himself against the next failure,
he often is being gauged as a failure himself.

don't get me wrong.
i love pussy as much as the next man.
what i don't like is
the care instructions imprinted on the pussy tag.
sure, my penis has care instructions on it as well
but
i'd rather see to it that
the pussy in my immediate care gets tended to properly.
funny thing is,
just like at various dry cleaners,
all care instructions are regarded the same,
regardless of the garment to which it is attached.
i have got to find someone who will handle my cleaning properly.
i also got to make sure i turn my garments in
"satisfactory condition"

i feel that true satisfaction is not a result of what happens to you or around you but what happens in you. i have found what i perceive to be true satisfaction in what other people would describe living hell. i think it is because i am a glutton for self imposed punishment at times, other times its because i feel that tough times build character and i love to survive tough times. I am coming to a point in my life that i am seeking that satisfactory condition. the question is, can i be satisfied with no one to bear a witness? the john donne "no man is an island" theory at work once again.

lawdamercy

Wow.

2005-08-29T04:22:00.000-06:00

Wow.
For the month of August, give or take a day or two, I've been on a military exercise at the Joint Readiness Training Center (JRTC), in Ft. Polk Louisiana. The experience was humbling, to say the least. Abiding by the rules set forth, I imagined the maneuver would be a demonstration of being truly ostracized from society. The rules included the following:

There was to be no cell phone usage or internet access
One could receive ground mail during military mail call
There was to be no sexual activity

During my brief time as a soldier, I have never received ground mail, so I did not expect any during this field exercise and even went as far as not giving my address to anyone. I was tempted to mail myself a package, containing all of the magazines that I have not read over the course of several months, neglected and piled on my coffee table. As of late, those unread magazines have taken lower priority to preparations for the military movement. In fact, I have devoted a greater portion of time to becoming proficient at being a medic in the United States Army. With newfound acceptance of work proficiency, it is easy to look at a month solely devoted to training without distraction from the outside world. Nonetheless, I was drawn from my focus on work to do some introspection on my existence, which I seem to do more and more while on my quest to find a deeper meaning of life.

We (me and the rest of the soldiers that I work with) all flew to hot and steamy Fort Polk, Louisiana with a bunch of new age, newly issued equipment and more ambition than skills, ready to participate in a combat simulation. We were very anxious to test out the new gear that we had received. The average weight of the medic’s gear is approximately 85 pounds. It is difficult to be mobile while bearing such a load, but we maintain. That's why we train. In August, Fort Polk is about 95 degrees with 100 percent humidity. That makes the heat index hover around 107 degrees. Ft. Polk was previously used as a Vietnam combat simulation training post due to the unrelenting climate and thick underbrush. For some reason, I don't think the Army realizes that the Vietnam era soldier carried a much lighter load. The soldiers on this combat exercise were constantly facing dehydration and I administered IVs by the dozen. No one under my care was severely affected by the heat and the related heat illness. I am either too skilled or too lucky.

The training at JRTC was MILES oriented. That's a laser based war simulation in which blank rounds and other non-lethal explosions are used to simulate the type of environment found in war. I carried an M16 and a medical aid bag, full of bandages, ready to heal the sick and wounded. The training is set up to simulate what a soldier would encounter while in Iraq. The several square miles of training area are very realistic, complete with donkey carts, IEDs and Arabic speaking ‘Iraqi’ citizens, enemy and friendly alike. War flashbacks abound. I was on quadruple duty. I trained soldiers. I was trained. I ran training simulations. I treated real life injuries, which were sometimes nearly fatal. I responded to real life situations such as vehicle rollovers. When these situations occur, you can only respond by saving lives. I am on top of my game. In fact, most soldiers that I am associated with performed well. Some of my fellow soldiers even received awards for their outstanding performance. I was jealous. I don’t work for awards. I am happy for my peers and their related successes. I will be rewarded in due time. Karma is a bitch.

On a different, but similar note, I haven't had contact with anyone that I don't work with for 30 days. I really miss my daughter. It seems as if I have no desire to deal with her mother and she has no desire to deal with me. Sadly, the woman hasn't even given me her telephone number and I only have a P.O. Box to send mail to. I haven't sent a letter to the kid either. Writing a 9-year-old girl a letter expressing how you miss her is difficult, especially if you don't want to display the current separation situation in an unflattering light. I am unimpressed with the child’s mother’s living standards nonetheless. I do not want to give the girl an opinion of her other parent. I want her to learn the ways of her mother on her own, unbiased. I guess, in the end, I am jealous of the mother because I'd rather have the kid full time. Child rearing should not be a competition between two parents. Now, it's my time to sit the bench and let the other parent play her position.

Of all the things I miss, I miss my computer the most. I wanted to work on my web log, update my website, visit some message boards, count my money, etc. I also miss chatting with MI/MT. When I come to the realization of how I miss dong these things, I come to the stark realization, the computer allows me to live my life detached, as if in the third person. I could have a conversation without speaking. I also could make an agreement without shaking hands. I have a fear of intimacy based on both failures and successes with women in the past. I would love to be mentally, physically, and social fulfilling

I have come across several adjectives that describe me as of late. The one that comes across most is self-absorbed. (I think that I am that way by my own design...)

buy myself/ rambling...

2005-07-23T17:18:00.000-06:00

okay, i admit, i buy flowers. i buy them for myself. i use them to make my apartment brighter, smell and look better. it is too sad that genetic modification has rendered most cut flowers available to the retail market smell-less, due to cross pollination issues. they still will remove CO2 from the environment and replaceit with raw O2. O2 gets me high on life.
It never fails, when i buy flowers, some woman will comment on the concept that i am buying them for some female. either i have three lovely women to cater too (i buy three bunches a week) or i am in a hell of a lot of trouble with one particular female. Neither is ever the case. In fact, i would never buy flowers for a woman again, it is too cliche. I like too have flowers in my home to boost my mood. flowers represent a particular ideology to which i subscribe. "flowers attract bees, and bees like to sting". in this concept, i respect the beauty of the world, but at the same time i recognize the existance of the relative pain that coexists within...

besides, i have no woman to buy flowers for anyhow.

icant stand women/ i love women.
i feel alot of times the downfalls of being in a relationship with a woman outweighs the benefits. in my perfect realm of existance, a man meets a woman, falls in love with a woman, shares his life with a woman, and lives happily ever after. NOT!!! Man never realizes the price of said relationships if the woman has a change of heart. f a woman with whom a man has pledged to share his life with (particularly through the institution of marriage), decides that she wants to get up and leave, for any reason whatsover, a man will be designated to give a woman a portion of his relative earnings and a portion of whatever materials he may have accumulated, regardless of what means the materials were acquired. That is to insure that the woman will remain comfortable by any means. When a man and woman are joined by the bond of holy matrimony, it is a mans duty to provide happiness for his bride or else, she will leave and the first scenario will be revisited. if, by chance, the woman stays, it will cost the man; the cost is irrelevent to the happiness of the man. Do not let there be any children in the mix!!! Having children in the mix will guarantee that you will forever be responsible for providing clothing food and shelter for said woman, even if she is not raising the kid!!! the best thing the goverment could have done to keep population booming in its land was to make it profitable for women to have children. If only men would realize that the cost of female interactions can and should be considered a viable means of birth control. You WILL pay for the pussy one way or another. No wonder prostitution has always been around. fuck a woman, but i do love the pussy. i really like everything about a woman from afar
the way a woman is built,
smells,
walks,
sounds,
feels,
tastes,
smiles.
i love the sight of a woman bent over the sink, doing dishes;
i like flirting with the female cashier when its time to pay;
i love the sight of a woman in uniform;
i hate to see a woman cry;
i love the sight of a pregnant woman;
i like any hairstyle a woman could have, even bald.
i like the sensous curves of a woman's midsection, no matter her size.
i love the sight of someone elses woman.
i love a long legged woman.
it is easy to find so much to like about a woman when she isn't concerned or determined to facilitate your downfall. infortunately, i attribute that quality to most woman i meet.
it is for that reason i have become increasingly self sufficient. My mamma always told me to never depend a woman to cook and clean, etcetera for you or you will always be indebted and/ or reliant on a woman for yor existance. i'll never let it happen. Sadly, most woman i meet will take offense at my self sufficient ways. A woman will try to find a way to fit in to a relationship and mostly is will be doing the womanly things that she think will make her seem feminine in the eyes of her suitor. i never meant to lessen a woman's importance but i can pay my own bills, cook , clean, etcetera... i just cannot reproduce by myself. don't get ot twisted though. i could always mentor someone elses child. hence, satisfying my fatherly needs.

Still i will always find a spot for a woman in my life.
in my heartbreak hotel,
i got room for one.

On a different note. My soldiers are going AWOL at an alarming rate. Alcohol abuse among the ranks remains high. Depression and a loss of self is omnipotent. I am glad none have committes suicide. i think it is inevitable that one of my soldiers is on the verge.

why blackcaesar?
the evil that men do lives after them
the good is oft interred with their bones.
-billy shakespeare (paraphrased)

confessions of a shoe whore

2005-07-16T09:54:00.000-06:00

okay i admit it.
i am a shoe whore.
judge me by it if you will
but the fact remains that i have more shoes than i need
and
i desire more.
it all started out 1n 198x
when my mother bought my first pair of
burgundy on white/ white, low nikes
from fayva...
fair but not great.
i then became the BK "british knights" bandit.
(boy does that date me)
all the while i wished i had those ubiquitous
filas in many flavors
and
similarly flavored troops (oops!)
and
suede pumas (yikes!)
and
shell toe adidas (superstar!)

by far the far
my favorite shoe ever
was
the patent leather, 3/4 height white on blue/ red adidas concords...

now
i have
more shoes than i need
and i need more?
i need more.
i have:
3 pairs of white on white/ white or grey or silver jordan retros IV, IX, XIII
1 pair black on black/ silver team jordans
2 pairs of shell toe adidas, one 3/4 white on white/ white superstars, the other 3/4 white on carolina blue snakeskin/ white
2 pairs of timberlands, one white, blue, grey, carolina blue on navy / white, and the other, burgundy on football leather/ white and black
3 pairs of lugs waallabee style in sand, red with black, and black
2 pairs od reebok classic cross trainers low, one white with silver marble ripple, the other white with red transparent ripple
1 pair of adidas low concords red on perforated white/ white
1 pair brown/ black kangol oxford classics
1 pair of black on black guess dress boots with rugged sole
1 pair black low kenneth cole dress
1 pair cognac stacy adams dress
1 pair cognac lugz, boot, wallabee style (they get better with age)
1 pair of brown stacy adams high jean boots (side zipper)
1 pair tan/ black perry ellis casuals
1 pair toffe trezeta hiking shoes
1 pair of lawn mowing boots
1 pair nike shoks for running
1 pair of nike air running (see above)
1 pai patent leather oxfords, low
2 pairs of combat boots cold weather, (two desert sand suede and one black
7 total pairs of combat boots, temperate weather, 5 desert sand suede 2 black [one has ripple sole])
1 pair of turf cleats for rugby.
1 pair of chocolate / black clarks sandals, birkenstock style
1 pair of addidas flip flops with bumpy insoles black with white.
i think that is thirty eight pairs...
i stiil desire a pair of blue and white sneakers
a pair of blue and yellow sneakers
a pair of brown kenneth cole dress
a pair of wheat timbs
a pair of gladiator sandals
and a pair of whit on white shells low (to be worn with timberland laces)

i am such a whore and i feel so dirty...
imagine what my closet looks like!

tonight i will go out and get drunk
hopefully with the company of some females that shall go unnamed (i don't know them yet)
wearing:
a pair of timberlands, white, blue, grey, carolina blue on navy / white
a french blue, french cuff dress shirt with silver "laugh now cry later" theater mask cufflinks
a pair of Calvin Klein, straight leg black/ blue wash jeans (if you ever see the size of my thighs, you would know i have no business rocking straight leg jeans, but i pull these off completely if my weight is under 190. the cut makes me look taller.)
my summer fragarance was Calvin Klein obsession but i will rock polo blue tonight.
silver on silver kenneth cole watch
square silver with onyx stripes ring
pimped samsung d415 with faux gucci case
navy blue kangol summer driving cap
and
my man in a maze silver money clip (fiiled to the brim!)
i might change to the vintage playboy cufflinks and the movado if i am really feeling it.
i will be drinking and riding solo, so the cadillacs will stay at home
(cabs are better for local one night stands, so i've heard)
i will either be drinking patron anejo and coronas
or long island ice teas and heinekens
i lean more towards the latter
i really wish i could drink vodka lemonades. that is such a practical drink for the summer time. more bartenders should recognize.
i am in the market for blazers for the fall, ssummer is the best time to buy them on sale. they will be last years models, but, with keen fashion sense, one can pick the ones that will stand the test of time. i'd like to find one of those joints with the patch elbows; navy tweed with tobacco suede patches would be nice...
living as a bachlor is so different from living as a single father. i still miss the kid *smile*.

Tradition

2005-07-09T10:51:00.000-06:00

I don't ever want to be in the position
where I'm following the others
even if the others
follow the tradition.
- blackcaesar

well, I have to admit, I am susceptible to nostalgia in a way.
as I get older, I reminisce of the little things that made me feel so alive.
I always yearn to share those things with those close to me.

I remember:
- the smell of my grandmother's freshly baked molasses cookies.
- chasing, catching or merely watching fireflies.
- sharing cassettes of recorded radio hip hop show with friends.
- lacing my sneakers.
- road trips with my sisters.
- making "forts" in the living room with blankets.
- breakfast with my mama.
- riding my bicycle as far as I could with friends.
- playing with my cousins while my parents played cards with their brothers/ sisters.
- waiting in line with my family to ride a scary rollercoaster.
- falling asleep while my parents listened to their favorite songs.
- watching scary movies that I had no business watching.

those things made me feel so alive.
the little things in life are cool
when they are shared.
that's why holidays are the best thing that man has ever created.
no somuch for the event itself,
but,
the precious traditions that are related.

people often get entangled in reveling, the reason for the season.
the broad picture is often composed of many intricate stokes of life.
the goal often overshadows the journey.

*today, my mood is: long live longevity.*

Johnny Cash- Hurt

2005-07-03T17:52:00.000-06:00

here's something that I really feel:

Johnny Cash- Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Little known concepts relating to me:

2005-06-26T07:10:00.000-06:00

concepts relating to me:

i always expect people to treat me similar the way that i treat them. i thought that was the golden rule, or something like that.
i am old and set in my ways, it seems.
i really enjoy listening to hip hop and rap music. i mght even try my hand at it from time to time...
no i am not dissing you. i enjoy solitude at times.
i cannot dance, but iwill try. feel free to laugh.
i wear my heart on my sleeve.
i am a nice guy, but i am no pushover, punk, etcetera. i ride or die for what i believe in.
i do not think about sex all of the time. that does not make me gay.
i like pretty women but i prefer smart women.
i hate being defined by my job.
i would like to work doing something i love to do.
i enjoy eating, cooking, grocery shopping, and any aspect of food immensely.
i cannot stand disloyalty.
i know i am not your type. there are many opposites to everything i am. you're alright with me though. i am not that picky.
i prefer black women but i do not discriminate.
i love my daughter. i fact i didn't really know what love was until she came along.
i enjoy art and science.
i dislike spending my time on telephone conversations and most televion programs.
i cry. sofuckingwhat?
i have a napoleonic complex. i do try to compensate for my lack of height with other attributes.
i once practiced ebonics, before ebonics was a term (embarrassed).
i enjoy cunnilingus.
i like helping others. by letting me doesn't make you helpless.
i am a hopeless dreamer.
i am loyal.

my new diet, and other stuff

2005-06-25T12:53:00.000-06:00

well, i've been pretty successful with my new diet. i have been eating raw foods only for a week. well, lets say, i havent been perfect; i allow some things to slide, but overall, i have been sticking to the plan. okay i failed. i've eaten 2 pieces of fish and a chicken breast, plus 3 cups of cooked rice in 5 days. sue me. a shot for the moon and landed among the stars. i have lost 3 lbs. i needed it. i look much leaner now. fuck it, i eat pretty healthy anyhow...
i went on vacation with my daughter and i inly took one picture and did'nt use my video camera. there was only the two of us and i was enjoying the moment for what it was than, and not trying to preserve it forever. cameras are for folks on the outside looking in anyway.
we went to jacksonville, orlando and tampa, Florida. Sea World, Busch Gardens, and wet 'n wild. we also did all to obligatory shopping and eating along the way. mstly we were ther together. that was cool. she's off to her mother now, spending the summer in Nassau, Bahamas. How convenient. It's a nice place to visit, but i wouldn't wanna live there.

I've conclusively stopped pimping my cellphone after the last disater with the device. I have started pimping my ipod with end level user sucess. i only have the belkin TuneCast Mobile FM Transmitter, Belkin Auto Kit for iPod w/ Dock Connector, Speck Products ToughSkin ruggedized iPod cover to start. There will be more cusomization to follow i am sure. i am interested in a remote comtrol and some sort of battery based recharger for the device.