thug passion

when i was younger, i used to believe that girls would outgrow their passion for thugs when they became women. now that i have become a man, and they have become women, i find nothing really has changed. women want thugs just as much as girls do. i reflect in search of an error in my reasononing.

there is something to be said or a man who gets his "ike turner" on. i have heard, 90% of any population needs direction and control. i never have been in a position where i felt the physical discipline was a necessary control or directive, especially concerning any woman that i desired to "court". i have never been in a position where i felt as if i should control a woman. are women not capable of making rational decisions concerning their own lives? any woman that i would involve myself with would posess those attributes at a minimum. could it be that women need to be physically dominated in one way or another? could it be that physical violence is the ultimate show of manliness? compassion is a desired trait for whom?

i remember this one girl that i use to be fond of. she used to have an on/ off relationship with an "ike" type dude. i never really understood their relationship and always attributed its longevity to feelings that were beneath the obvious surface. nontheless, i always felt as if i were a better alternate to her beau. no one told me that kindness = weakness. women seem to let a man get away with anydamnthing if they are "feeling" them. maybe, as a man, i do the same... (she did teach me an important lesson. never send flowers to a woman who needs diapers or visa versa.)
i bet she bacame a pretty woman; her beauty probably is questionable...

now that i am older, i do not wonder what has become of those women. plenty of battered women come in and out of my life. i never understand their feelings of hopelessness and despair. it most commonly manifests its self in the shape of addiction. who wants to lead a bored life. violence = drama = excitement. excitement and the related adrenaline rush make for an easy addiciction.

now that i am older, i have also come to the following conclusion: those women who enjoy the thug passion have no control over their lives. those women were not the ones for me anyway. i prefer a woman who appreciates, as well as manifests compassion.

reciprocity respect.

theoretical letter to her

dear baby momma,
it really feels weird to call you that. i mean, i used to have so many words of affection for you. now, it seems as if my thoughts of you are limited to this one specific term of detachment. i do not mean to offend.
what i am really saying is, you know we aint together no more...sometimes i feel its my fault. sometimes i feel it was your fault. blame never was a band-aid. this is merely my attempt to atone.
when we were together, i thought i was all man. the truth of the matter is, i wasn't man enough to stop being a boy. in fact, i was just beginning to learn to be the best boy i could be. somehow along the way i learned from some archaic rules of manliness that true manhood is obtained through the aquisition of vaginal friction. every boy wants to be a man one day. thank you for helping me to the right goal through the wrong route.
the real complications in our relationship began when i realized the permanance of our reationship. when i recognized that my percieved behavior of manliness was only a fraction of what being a man is, i panicked. i went to the one place where i could rationalize my irrational attitude towards manhood-away. i came to the following judgement: i am my own individual entity, man, proud to be independant, and strong. i refuse to allow you to take that from me just because of pregnancy. sharing a child is cetainly time defined, recognition of mutual existance. from childhood to adult seems like an eternity. in fact, it is all i have ever experienced. i remember a time when i could say, "i am free." you make me feel trapped. for that reason, i reacted like gas in a closed environment, desiring to be moved to an area of lower pressure...
in hindsight i realize that i am not alone in this world and neither are you. i should have been there when i was not. forced maturity should be a widely advertised side effect of sexual intercourse. i know you found out the hard way. for that i truly apologize.
it was never my intention to make you a single mother. i know the cost of life is high on this planet. i am especially sorry that i expect you to acknowledge when i respect what should be my obligation and duty to my child. age don't make you grown. recognition of responsibilities and obligations are difficult for the selfish. i can barely care for self.
i hope you can find a way to forgive me. if not, i understand. i long for the day when i can refer to you a something other than baby momma. do you have any suggestions?

truth be told

truth be told
i have always been afraid to say:
your breath stinks
your baby is ugly
i love you
i am not sure why.
perhaps i am afraid
someone may say these things to me...
some of the hardest things to say
are the most honest.
why would anyone be afraid of the truth.
have you ever felt that someones eulogy
was a lie?
even in death,
personal feelings are protected.
i would prefer my eulogy
to be
truthful.
that is the best way to memorialize
me.
viva l'idiot savantae!
(i made that up)

the human condition

the human condition is _________?

when faced with death,
i want to go out on my own terms.
i dont want to be a sniveling coward.
yet,
is it so wrong to be scared of death?
i think my real fear is of the unknown.
i am equally afraid of death as i am afaid of life.
uncertainty,
thats what makes a coward of me.
i am not alone.
the human condition is universal.

i have always had a love/ hate relationship with food.
sometimes i would like to have a good meal over good company.
sometimes...
i have never eaten one morsel of food that i felt
i would die for...
at least, not now.
when i was younger, i thumbed my nose a death.
i figured that if i'm gonna die,
i might as well have some gravy with that.
who would figure that same gravy would really kill me.
it wasn't good enough to die for.
yet, here i am cursing out the fried chicken of yore.
even though,
it really was "to die for".

it seems as if everything that i would die for
eventually loses it's importance...
nothing is permanent
except, the human condition

others will see the light

http://creativevoice.blogspot.com/

are you talking to me?

here is a spanking new concept to include in your psyche.
if you think i am talking about you,
i probably am!
no worries.
i have nothing but love for all.
i save the hate for someone special.
me.

it is easy to be so self- conscious when you are the center of your own universe. it commonly appears as if you have your own gravitational "pull" . not all heavenly bodies are attracted to each other; some repel. sometimes that is good. moths really dont belong in the fire; they belong in the radience of the moonlight.

if i say, "you are the prototype", best believe it. especially if it involves more than the guest appearance of a labia.

wearing your heart on you sleeve is as difficult as wearing the scarlet letteron your chest. wearing them simultaneously weighs down the soul.

give a kiss to the person who sits next to you.
ladyT, you are the best.
i know where my delete button is too.
where are my panties?
im in love with sleepyheadho,
i just dont know it yet.
p.s.
pass the courvoisier.

today?

being a soldier,
i find it is easy
to say this:
never fear letting someone know
how you feel about them,
especially the ones you care for.

i am happy for today
and
all of it's challenges
and
no matter the outcome,
i
will do my best.

island

No man is an island, entire of itself...
-john donne

the existence of one, upon the earth, is always chronicled in reference to the existence in others. One is the indiginent blend of all of the people and experiences that they have met along the journey called life.

in my life i have been influenced by, as well as influenced others. some interactions were positive, while others were not. it is with this concept that i anwer the following question: "why can't i be all things to all people?"

sometimes, i really enjoy the company of others. it breaks the monotony of conversing in soliloquoy. it is especially pleasant when one has interesting viewpoints as well as being open to concepts and views other than held personally.

i am often careful of the people that i associate with. i have a strange way of influencing people to live life in ways that they ordinarily wouldn't. sometimes that is good, but not always. it is never my intention. in fact, i prefer not to have my personal actions influenced by what others expect. i'd rather live for my own expectations.

everyone has a view of what they want to accomplish in the quest for success. my ideas are not the same as yours. is that such a difficult concept to grasp?

it is unpleasant when someone forces themselves into your life as if their particpation is essential to your existance. my life is led "by invitation only". i accept no party crashers.

there are basic fundamentals of humanity that i expect my associates to possess. loyalty is paramount; if i find you to be incapable or unwilling, you will be excommunicated. truth is essential; i can lie to myself- without your help. respect.

i may ask too much. i do not care. i ask nothing of others that i do not offer. in the end, i really matter.

i really matter? if i fall in the woods and no one is around to witness, do i exist? did i fall? the world may never know.

feel no pain

i cannot feel pain in two places
simultaneously.
a pain relieving technique
that i commonly employ
is displacement.
i will cause pain in one part of my life
in order to overwhelm the senses.
i will foget the original source of pain
and concentrate on the new.
the problem is
the old pain never goes away.
the old pain is just ignored.
however
if enough of the ignored pain
has accumulated,
pain becomes relative
and
its existance
dulls the senses.
it is then
when one feels no pain.

not a damn thang is up...

addictions really suck.
why can't one be addicted to something that is positive.
i never want to be addicted to anything.
i will.
obsession
is never having to say
get the fuck out.
speaking of which
why are heinekens and coronas
both on sale.
why do i have to go to work early
on monday
and everyone else
can come late!
if sleep
is the cousin of death
then
waking early
is the mother of all fuckers.

i will never understand why a man would
want to physically abuse a woman.
i have known so many women
who have been abused by their lovers.
i want to personally beat the ass of every man
that wants to fight a woman.
sadly,
those women
seem to prefer
violence
and the excitement it brings
than anything i could offer.
especially escape.
i have to remember
i cannot be
the personal jesus
to everyone
who needs it.
besides
i am in need
of a personal jesus
of my own.

the power of a smile

i really felt bad today
my day started out really good
ran 4 miles
then
shit hit the fan
how can you tell a grown ass man
to grow up
and be responsible for his actions?
then
i started smiling
i told myself,
fuck it,
smile anyway...
at first
it was so fake
i felt fraudulent
eventually
i forgot why i didnt smile in the first place
all of that was before
i went to the dentist
(insert bling here)
then
everyone started smiling
i hate them all!
i am trying to be miserable here
back up!