blackcaesar
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Sunday, January 30, 2005

dear potential friend (31AUG03)

dear potential friend,
do not deal with me. my soul is corrupt. malice and contmpt for the living is what my existence has descended to. society unknowingly worships the evil that men do; i am the evil men that do. it is not that i love to hate as much as it is that i hate to love. pain and suffering may not be what i deserve, but these are the vices that provide me with the most comfort. please shed no tears for my lack of societal well being. i sleep well, every night, with the comfort of knowledge that if my last day has been lived, i have lived it well. each day i pray; i thank GOD for fresh air, food and shelter, and the beauty of the world that is ever omnipotent. in the same breath that i thank GOD for the beauty of the rose, i thank GOD for the pain it inflicts when its thorns pierce my flesh, causing pain and suffering. it is that pain which makes me feel more alive than the beauty of the inflicting body. why is it that pain and suffering are prerequisites for the events which mark the evolution of my being? why is it that, more often than not, i choose not to be, rather than be? the calm before the storm is the precursor to rain. i embrace rain with open arms.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

greener part 2

somebody told me
home is where ever you lay your hat.
it seems that i can never
be happy where i am at.
i pinpoint my position
exactly on the map.
i'm tired of biorhytms
continually laying flat.
continually, constantly
in search of the greener pastures.
they're, probably, possibly
well beyond the life hereafter.
even in the garden of eden
the people want to go
vacation in destinations
up in eldorado.
the holy grail is filled with satisfaction,
im asking
is it unobtainable?
the flavor be the passion.
put a trickle upon my tongue
and i will spit,
satisfied as i break into hives
cause i'm allergic
but, you cannot play
both sides of the fence.
everywhere i go
is better than where i have went.
what, i do experience
in this life of mine,
is the grass gets green
if you let the sun shine.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Rhetoric

I was feeling a little nostalgic and i found an old writing in a notebook right before i went to war. i don't know what kind of shit i was smoking, but i still like to read those writings. i don't know if i even agree with my previous thoughts sometimes . this one was on the first plane...


what is the purpose for living? a man lives all of his life preparing for death. it is not until a man is faced with death that he realizes whether or not he has lived his life the way he was supposed to. many men spend their lives searching for fulfillment and the stimulation it brings. They do not have a goal, for they know not what they seek. For them it is inconsequential, the search itself is the stimulation they seek.

If a man wakes as a newborn with the genetic information to lead himself to a given point, who is to say that that point is not death? It can be argued that mans main goal in life is not to prepare for death, but to avoid it at every opportunity. The concept of self preservation of man wanes with age. old men embrace death; young men never see themselves as old and hence are indestructible. that is why young men fail to see the meaning of life, the preparation of death.

If one could live forever, life would have no point. Anything that could be done today could easily be put off indefinitely and nothing habitually would happen to stimulate the body and soul of man. Everything done is done so that no regret befalls the dead. That is why man has desires to travel, acquire, pursue, build or destroy along his path. Man realizes his path has a destination. Even if one believes in the hereafter, the defining moment in truth is the flashing of life before your eyes. Man always wants his life story to be a true reelection of himself. From the moment of birth, man should live as if he is living an autobiography because, in a sense, he is. Will he be content in saying, "i ate, slept, shit, repeat, or will he want his story to be filled with adventures, love, lust, betrayal, hatred, agony, celebration, and pride. Many men don't see this and are content living each day with the goal to make it to the next day, negligent of the events that the day may bring.

It is interesting to see soldiers prepare for war. They sit and write letters and make phone calls to loved ones to tell them things that they should have told them long ago. They dine on foods, wishing that they could have eaten their favorite meal one last time. they listen to music in their own infinite worlds, wishing that they would have asked that one beautiful girl to dance. Soldiers are young men. Old men have no regrets; they live their life in preparation for the inevitable and are hence fulfilled.

why does misery love company?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

greener

where do i have to be
to be so free from insecurities
so i can be myself
and be so totally free
i fill into no cubbyholes
or fill stereotypes
because i do what i do
and i like what i like
at times i sit up lat at night
solemn in demeanor
i wonder if the grass
over yonder is greener
life is like a splinter
that you get from woodgrain
in the coldest of the winters
while you standing in the rain
sometimes i pray to god
]and ask for a little shelter
protection from this life
will never make me feel no better
so i grit my teeth
when i'm walking through the weather
they say nothing lasts forever
i say never say never
somewhere there has to be
a better place for some expansion
they say that in my father house
there is a many mansion
but if i fail to pay my rent
or even sign my lease
would i ever find a bit of peace
residing with the beast?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

the value of a dollar

i love my grandmother
i want nothing bad to happen to her
she is terminally ill with cancer
she may die at any moment...
i dont visit that often
my mother told me that i was written
out of her will
because i dont visit.
i am not after her money.
it wasn't always that way.

when i was less than 13
and greater than 5
i visited my grandmother with my parents.
mt grandmother sent me to her bedroom
to retrieve some odd thing
i stole 1 dollar from her dresser...

i spent that 1 dollar
on candy
it seemed like a lot of money to me
i was not used to having money to spend on candy
such a little thing to me
at the time

my grandmother called me on the phone
about one week later
asking about a rare print dollar
that was missing
from her dresser.
i denied all knowledge.

my grandmother sent me a letter
one week later
apolgizing for her accusations
that were aimed at me.
i cried.

up to and including today
i have never admitted to stealing that one dollar.
instead
i have used that dollar
as a reason not to lie or steal.
even if you get away with it,
what is it really worth?

this little life o mine

one's position in life's social statosphere defines one's life accomplishments.
the true measure of mans sucess is how he is seen by others.

i will never understand why this is

i wish that i could go inside
evaluate the contents of self
and
be satisfied with the contents
or
make variations as needed.
i cannot
every measurement needs a standard
a point that can be relatively compared

my point of reference
for objective purposes has been zero.
it is that concept that allows me to view
negatives and positives
based on my own acceptance of right and wrong.
if i am truly a man
i should be able to make my own measure.

i have never met a man
that
i was satisfied by his representation of manhood.
probably because no man is perfect.
i also have a bad habit of being too influencial to others.
i have picked and chosen the best qualities of man
that i percieve
and incorporated them into my own existence.
the problem is
many attributes
are fatal flaws.
ambition will be the death of me.
imma blog again today
i promise
i got some shit on my mind
lordamercy

Monday, January 17, 2005

the blog...

i have been neglecting this blog for a minute.
the main reason for that action is rather stupid.
i have been embarrassed that people have been reading it.
the audience of this blog has always been myself;
publishng it on the www makes it accessible to many.
i never thought that anyone would have the desire to inquire what i felt.
to those who read this blog:
I am just a man.
i cannot apologize for who i am.

first and foremost i am saddened by my daughter going back to live with her mother.
i would never be able to keep her from her mother, no matter how i feel about the woman.
i just feel a little selfish wanting the kid all to myself.
instead of feeling that way, i try to make the most of the time that we spend together.
i know that my time with her is limited.
i know that any moment could be the last that i spend with her.
i try to be patient and loving and caring etc.
at the same time, i want to be her everything. i cannot.
i will let her go. in the meantime. i will be the best man that i can be.
then again.
i always do, no matter who is watching.
that leads me to my next subject.

i have painted my self into a corner.
i have estranged myself from most.
anyone who really cares will make themselves known.
i have no time to pursue negative relationships with others who could care less about my well being.
relationships with those who attempt to identiy my position or direction as other than what i have identified for myself, well, fuck em.
i am a grown ass man.
i have been through alot and i hope the is more left in this world to experience.
until then, if you aint got time;
if you are not objective;
if you want to live your life vicariously through mine...
get a life- mine is occupied.

I am really digging the new world danger by mos def

i definitely am undersexed.
sometimes i seem to be a self expert on the subject.
infact, i realize, i am a theorist.
i never have experienced alot of the sexual experiences that many have.
is my desire to be more sexual?
not really. Especially if i cannot share those experienes with a woman which i embrace her soul as well as her body.
until then, my self imposed deprivation willk continue.
my soul remains a virgin.
ps fuck you (you know who you are)

Thursday, January 06, 2005

the crushed finger

my daughter crushed her finger in the car door today. i felt really helpless. not because i am not capable of caring for a damage finger, but, because i think slamming your finger in the door is a necessary lesson in life. i teaches you to be more careful. i really wanted to take her up in my arms and coddle her, letting her know that everything will be alright. that was what i was supposed to do. why didn't i? i look for someone to blame. I've put bandages on people bleeding enough to die, while being shot at and worse. i really wanted to tell her to suck it up. i wanted to tell her to stop crying. i didn't. i let her cry. i think letting her cry was the best thing i could do. am i cruel? am i selfish? am i cold and uncaring? maybe...she didn't need hospitalization. War has hardened me unecessarily.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

duality

this morning, i wanted to write on over emphasizing one's own importance.
this afternoon, i wanted to write about the inferiority complex.
this evening, as i sat to write, i pondered how one could ever be in a position to recognize both attributes in a single person.
i am not sure
but
i am guilty of posessing both attributes
at the same time reluctantly

i would like to think that there is a place on this planet where i truly belong
a place where i fit like a hand carved gear.
sometimes i wake up feeling i am in the right place at the right time
then there are other times

for the first time
in a long time
i thought of one particular woman
who may be perfect for me
a woman who would float my boat
knock my socks off
insert euphamism here

how is it
in the same thought process
i could decide that she is too much woman for me
that should be a challenge that any man would be up to
any time
anywere
AND THATS ME!
just
not now
not here...

for dinner i had
one red stripe
one heineken
one hamburger
two hot dogs
three different types of mustard.
the bad weather is excellent.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

new stuff

i got some new stuff
i got some new stuff

there is a new page added to superloverhotline.com
called "viewpoints"
life with Ms Instyle
she is an awesome writer and i am glad that she is willing to share her material
with the viewers of the site.
i was so excited

Monday, January 03, 2005

then again...

it takes a bigger man to concede to an argument
some battles are just not worth fighting
especially when the opponent is not even in your weight class
why self censor?
the world does not shield me from its own ultimate realness
why should i contain my responses to the world?
then again...
one should posess tact
in the battle called life
time poorly spent
is forever lost
some souls are more lost than others
wandering babylon
then again...
if this is my world
why cant make the rules?
my first rule would be
to be yourself
smile at everyone
especially those who "grill" you back.
then again...
if everyone smiled
who would "grill"?
the world would be full of clones
and lost souls striving for survival
i would stand tall, grit my teeth in the wind!
be forced to concede to the world...
then again.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

i dont know why...

here i am
feeling the way i normally feel,
depressed.
i dont know how i remain in an eternal funk
but,
i do.
i feel as if i am never in the right places
doing the right things
with the right people.
i digress.
i remember being @ war...
i felt comfort in that
i could die anytime
but dying is never enough
dying is easy
i want to die with honor
honor is difficult to come by
i come into this eternal conflict with self
i desire the approval of others
yet
i want no one to interfere in my life
maybe i can be an island unto myself
on reality television...

with my luck
i would live forever
in syndication

where is my love

i tried
i tried
i quit
this is the year that i become pro-active
about the significant other situation
first i have to clean my plate...

this is cool

i think its cool, making pancakes with my daughter.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

reminiscant ruminations

i alway want to be where i am not

this is definitely going to a recurring theme for me
i found something cool today
a long term and short term goals list from 2001

short term
  • send skates to daughter
  • send pics to mother
  • pay traffic tickets
  • go to church
  • no more drinking
  • get car insurance
  • get dental care
  • write letters
  • pray
  • exercise
  • work on hobby
  • pay phone bill
  • pay school loan
  • do music
long term
  • stay @ church
  • no more drinking
  • be understanding with wife
  • get better job with health insurance
  • take medicine
  • move south
  • be family man
  • pray
  • develop a plan to stop smoking

the red is what i did not accomplish.

not bad huh.

in my effort to reflect, i want to post something that i wrote early in 2002

i read an interesting novel yesturday. it eas entitled Candide, written by a frenchman by the name of Voltaire. it is the story of a young man who travels around the world in search of a lost love. his main ideology is similar to his former philosophy tutor which is, "all is for the best in all worlds". that basically means that everything that happens in life is because it is all sort of cosmic plan which no one can control. the book seemed to contradict this basic philosophy with its tales of negative fate and falls from grace. being written in 1759, it was easy to understand and very entertaining. short as well, but not overlooking anything. i mainly take with me this thought: everyone has a sad story. whos is the saddest? who knows. man has the habit of judging the events of his life on the standard of zero. when things are positive, no one notices. when things are negative, people take notice. i realized this when i read the novel, recognizing that there were times when things seemed to be going well and no one ever recognized. it only seemed that said recognition came when things were negative. i summate with the following statement:

everyone's life story is a tragedy. everyones life story is a comedy. they are the same lives, the only difference is which way your ray of perception faces from the standard of zero.

i remember reading that book. i was candide. i was homeless, living off of little debbie snack cakes and malt liquor. those were the days...i discovered the meaning of life then.

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